Navigating the Rough Seas: Understanding Common Marriage Problems and Charting a Course to Avoid Them
How can we improve communication in marriage to avoid misunderstandings?
Marriage, a journey embarked upon with hopes of lifelong companionship and love, can sometimes encounter turbulent waters. While every relationship is unique, certain problems tend to surface more frequently than others. Understanding these common pitfalls and learning proactive strategies can equip couples to navigate these challenges and foster a stronger, more fulfilling union. According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, a relationship coach and marriage expert, many marriages face difficulties, but they can often be saved.
One of the most cited issues is the loss of connection and love, often stemming from neglect. Dr. Baucom notes that marriages frequently suffer simply because life gets in the way, and the relationship gets ignored. Over time, this neglect can escalate into animosity and antipathy. No marriage crisis appears overnight; it builds slowly as the lack of attention erodes the capacity for a substantial relationship, eventually leading to disconnection and potential crises like affairs. To avoid this, it’s crucial to prioritize the relationship and dedicate time and attention to your spouse beyond schedules and children. Dr. Baucom’s system emphasizes that you can’t just take the relationship back to “where it used to be”; it needs to evolve to a place insulated against future crises.
Another significant challenge lies in ineffective communication and frequent arguing. Often, couples get stuck in a habit of arguing, trying to prove they are right, which rarely leads to resolution. Dr. Baucom argues that traditional methods focusing on communication skills often miss the mark, as they can simply make fighting more effective. He suggests that the real problem is often misperception. To avoid this, give up on arguing and instead focus on understanding your spouse’s perspective by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember that understanding doesn’t equate to agreement. Furthermore, cultivating accurate perception of your spouse’s worldview is key to clear communication. Clear communication also requires Time, Intentionality, and Execution (TIE).
Power struggles and control issues are also common sources of conflict. These emerge when both individuals attempt to control the other, hindering the development of a “WE” mentality. Dr. Baucom highlights the “Controlled/Controlling” dynamic where one tries to dominate and the other allows it, eventually leading to resentment and rebellion. Similarly, the “Under/Overfunctioning” pattern creates imbalance and can lead to disconnection. To avoid power struggles, couples should strive for sharing and cooperation, recognizing that marriage is not based on power. Making decisions based on what is good for the relationship (“WE”) rather than solely on individual needs can circumvent these struggles.
The failure to move from a “You & Me” mindset to a “WE” is a central trait of struggling marriages. When each partner is primarily concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship, it fosters a ledger-like approach that is destructive. Successful marriages, however, are built on a sense of shared identity and mutual support. To cultivate “WE,” focus on complementarity – how your strengths and weaknesses balance each other – rather than dwelling on differences.
Unrealistic expectations and the pursuit of “false North Stars” can also derail a marriage. Many people enter marriage with expectations centered around sex, children, companionship, or even happiness as the primary purpose. However, when these elements fluctuate or are absent, the foundation of the marriage feels shaky. Dr. Baucom suggests adopting true “North Stars” that are within your control, such as self-improvement, spiritual growth, becoming a team, and, most importantly, commitment. Viewing commitment as the guiding principle allows couples to work through problems rather than seeing them as reasons to leave.
Issues surrounding sex and money are often deeply symbolic and can become battlegrounds for power struggles. Arguments in these areas are rarely just about the act or the finances themselves. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that sex has the potential to be a deeply bonding experience for “WE”. To avoid conflict, address sex and money as aspects of the overall “WE” in the relationship. Create non-conflict times to discuss your sexual relationship and view money as a tool for self-evolution and pursuing shared passions.
Under/overfunctioning in various aspects of life, whether practical duties or emotional labor, can create an imbalanced relationship where one partner feels overwhelmed and the other disconnected. To avoid this, strive for a balanced distribution of responsibilities and emotional engagement.
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for a strong marriage. Boundaries define what you will and will not allow in your life and relationship, while standards define how you will act. Understanding and enforcing boundaries protects the “WE” and ensures mutual respect.
Practicing “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking and gratitude can significantly improve marital harmony. Instead of assuming hostile intent, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt when misunderstandings occur. Cultivating a sense of gratitude shifts focus from ingratitude and fosters a positive cycle in the relationship.
Relating from a high mood and focusing on options rather than dwelling on problems can change the dynamic of the relationship. Seeing your spouse as a “mystery to be lived” rather than a “problem to be solved” fosters a more positive and creative approach to challenges.
Avoid getting stuck in the past by constantly bringing up old grievances. While learning from past experiences is important, living in the present and focusing on moving forward is essential for growth.
When emotional connection feels lost, instead of questioning your feelings, act “as if” you love your spouse. Discover their specific ways of feeling loved and make a conscious effort to show love in those ways.
Ultimately, Dr. Baucom suggests that relationships need to evolve rather than just grow. Evolution involves adapting to new realities and constantly seeking better ways to connect and thrive.
By being aware of these common marriage problems and actively implementing strategies to avoid them, couples can navigate the inevitable challenges and build a strong, lasting, and deeply fulfilling relationship. Dr. Baucom’s “Save The Marriage System” offers a structured approach to understanding these issues and implementing effective solutions. Remember, taking action is crucial before negative momentum becomes irreparable.
