Why Women (and Men) Stray: Building a Marriage That Lasts

Why do women cheat, and how can I work on our marriage to avoid it?

The question of why women cheat is a complex one, often fueled by curiosity and sometimes by personal pain. While the sources provided don’t specifically isolate the reasons for infidelity based on gender, they offer valuable insights into the underlying causes of marital problems, including infidelity, and more importantly, provide a roadmap for building a stronger, more resilient marriage.

It’s crucial to understand, as the sources point out, that infidelity is often a symptom of deeper issues within the relationship rather than the root cause itself. Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, emphasizes that marriages get into trouble primarily due to a lack of connection and a failure to develop a strong “WE” mentality.

The Erosion of Connection: Why Distance Can Lead to Straying

One of the primary culprits in marital distress is disconnection. This can happen gradually as life takes over, and couples unintentionally put their relationship on the back burner. Dr. Baucom calls this a “Pause Button Marriage,” where partners believe they can postpone nurturing their connection while focusing on careers, children, or personal goals. However, the reality is that “there is no ‘pause’ in a relationship; connection either grows or recedes“. When this vital connection wanes, individuals may seek emotional or physical intimacy elsewhere.

Furthermore, many couples fail to make the crucial shift from a “You and Me” mindset to a “WE“. Marriage is meant to be a partnership where decisions are made for the benefit of the unit, with both individuals contributing their best. When the focus remains on individual needs and desires (“What am I getting out of this?“), it can breed resentment and dissatisfaction, making the marriage vulnerable.

The absence of clear boundaries also creates a fertile ground for infidelity. Boundaries are the protective walls of the relationship, safeguarding it from inappropriate external influences and the misdirection of emotional energy. Without agreed-upon boundaries regarding interactions with others, the risk of emotional and physical affairs increases significantly.

Building a Fortress of Love: Working on Your Marriage to Prevent Infidelity

The good news is that you can actively work on your marriage to strengthen its foundation and significantly reduce the risk of infidelity. The sources offer a comprehensive guide based on Dr. Baucom’s principles:

• Prioritize Connection: Make a conscious and consistent effort to nurture your bond. Engage in regular activities that allow you to connect, whether it’s dedicated conversation time, shared hobbies, or simply being fully present with each other. Avoid putting your marriage on “pause”.
• Cultivate a “WE” Mentality: Shift your focus from individual gains to the well-being of your partnership. Ask “What can I put into this?” rather than “What am I getting out of this?“. Make decisions as a team working towards common goals.
• Establish and Maintain Clear Boundaries: Have open and honest conversations with your spouse about what boundaries are necessary to protect your relationship. This includes discussions about appropriate interactions with friends, colleagues, and online contacts.
• Practice Accurate Perception, Clear Communication, and Right Action: Strive to understand your spouse’s perspective (Accurate Perception), communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly and intentionally (Clear Communication), and respond to each other with love and respect (Right Action).
• Address Underlying Issues: Don’t let resentments and unresolved conflicts fester. Address them directly and work towards solutions. Remember that anger often masks deeper hurts and unmet needs.
• Embrace Growth: View challenges as opportunities for personal and relational growth. Marriage is a journey of evolution, not a static state.
• Practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt”: Assume positive intent in your spouse’s actions and words. This can prevent unnecessary conflict and build a more supportive environment.
• Cultivate Gratitude: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects of your spouse and your relationship. Focusing on gratitude can shift the dynamic away from negativity.
• Act on Love: Don’t wait for the feeling of being “in love” to act lovingly. Love is an action, and the feeling often follows.
• Give Up Arguing: Instead of trying to “win” arguments, focus on understanding your spouse’s perspective. Ask “Help me understand how you see it that way?“.
• Focus on Complementarity: Recognize how you and your spouse complete each other and build wholeness in the relationship.
• Identify Your Relationship’s “North Star”: Focus on shared goals like commitment, self-improvement, spiritual growth, and growing old together.

By actively implementing these principles, you can cultivate a strong, connected, and resilient marriage that is far less vulnerable to the allure of infidelity, regardless of gender. Remember that a thriving marriage requires ongoing effort, open communication, and a shared commitment to growth from both partners.