Navigating the Storm: Addressing Family Issues Straining Your Marriage
How can we address family issues that are putting strain on our marriage?
Family life, with all its joys, can sometimes throw unexpected curveballs that land squarely in the middle of your marriage, creating tension and strain. Whether it’s disagreements about parenting styles with extended family, differing expectations around holiday gatherings, or feeling caught in the middle of your spouse’s family dynamics, these issues can erode the “WE” you’ve built together.
But take heart! According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, even when facing significant marital challenges, transformation is possible, and it can begin with just one partner taking action. His “Save The Marriage System” offers insights and strategies that can help you navigate these turbulent waters, even if your spouse seems distant or has “given up”.
Here’s how you can start to address family issues that are putting a strain on your marriage, drawing from the principles outlined in Dr. Baucom’s work:
1. Shift Your Mindset to “WE”
One of the core concepts is moving away from a “You/Me Trap” where each partner focuses on what they are individually getting out of the relationship. When family issues arise, it’s easy to fall into this trap, with each person feeling their needs or family loyalties are not being met. Instead, actively work towards a “WE” mentality, where decisions and actions are considered in terms of what is best for your marriage as a unit.
2. Understand Each Other’s Perspectives (Accurate Perception)
Family backgrounds and experiences heavily shape our worldviews or “paradigms”. What feels normal or expected to you regarding family interactions might be completely different for your spouse. Take the time to truly understand their perspective, their family history, and why they might feel the way they do about a particular family issue. Remember, you can understand how someone sees something without agreeing with it.
3. Communicate Clearly and Intentionally (Clear Communication)
Once you have a better understanding, open and honest communication is crucial. However, simply “communicating more” isn’t always the answer, especially if your marriage is already troubled, as it can lead to more effective fighting. Instead, focus on clear communication that stems from accurate perception. Dr. Baucom emphasizes the “TIE Elements of Communication”: Time, Intentionality, and Execution. Make dedicated time to discuss these issues, be intentional about focusing on the relationship and the problem at hand (not just schedules or kids), and then follow through with consistent communication habits.
4. Take “Right Action”
“Right Action” involves relating in intentionally healthy ways, balancing your needs with your spouse’s and the needs of your marriage. This means acting constructively, even when your emotions might be pulling you in a different direction. For example, if a family conflict makes you want to withdraw, the “right action” might be to gently communicate your feelings and needs to your spouse instead.
5. Give Up the Tug-of-War (Arguing)
Arguing often becomes a destructive pattern where each person tries to prove they are right. When dealing with emotionally charged family issues, arguments can quickly escalate and leave both partners feeling unheard and resentful. Instead, when disagreements arise, try asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?” This shifts the focus from winning to understanding your spouse’s perspective.
6. Make Decisions for the “WE”
When faced with choices involving family that impact your marriage, consciously ask: “What would be best for the relationship?”. This might require creative solutions that don’t simply prioritize one individual’s or one family’s desires. It forces you to consider your marriage as a primary entity that needs nurturing and protection.
7. Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for defining where you begin and end, and for teaching others how to treat you. As a couple, you also need to establish boundaries with extended family to protect your marital unit. This involves informing family members of your boundaries, asking them to respect them, telling them what you will not allow, and having consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
8. Practice “Benefit-Of-The-Doubt” Thinking
When family-related conflicts arise, it’s easy to attribute negative intentions to your spouse or their family. Instead, practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking, which involves assuming positive intent and understanding that most people operate out of their own worldview. This can help defuse tense situations and foster more compassion.
9. Focus on Solutions, Not Just Problems (High Mood Relating)
When discussing family issues, it’s easy to get bogged down in what’s wrong. Dr. Baucom suggests shifting to “High Mood Relating” by focusing on options and possibilities rather than just dwelling on the problems. Ask yourselves, “What are our options? What is possible here?”.
Remember: Saving your marriage, even when strained by family issues, is often about changing your perceptions and taking different actions. It’s about consciously choosing to work together as a “WE” to navigate the complexities of family life and protect the precious bond you share. Just as Kelly took the initiative to save her marriage with Greg, even when he was headed for divorce, you too have the power to begin the process of healing and strengthening your marriage, starting today.
