Navigating Separation Amicably? Insights from Marriage Saving Principles

How can divorce counseling help us navigate our separation while keeping things amicable?

You’re facing separation and hoping to keep things amicable. That’s a commendable goal. While the resources we’ve been exploring primarily focus on saving marriages, understanding the dynamics that lead to marital trouble might offer some valuable insights, even as you navigate apart. Let’s look at some key concepts and how they relate to your aim.

Our sources heavily feature the work of Dr. Lee Baucom and his “Save the Marriage” system. Dr. Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching for over 30 years, contends that most relationships are salvageable, and his approach emphasizes understanding the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play in a marriage. He believes that one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing. Dr. Baucom’s work often critiques some traditional marriage counseling methods, especially those focused solely on conflict resolution, and instead advocates for a more holistic approach addressing emotional connection and long-term commitment.

Several key concepts from Dr. Baucom’s work might indirectly help in maintaining an amicable separation by highlighting what to avoid and what mindsets to consider:

• The failure to become a “WE”: Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of couples becoming a “WE,” a team that stands together through tough times. He notes that a major cause of marital crisis is the failure to develop this “WE,” leading to a “You and Me” or even a “You versus Me” dynamic. While you are now moving away from being a “WE,” understanding how the lack of this unity contributed to marital problems might encourage a more collaborative and less individualistic approach to separation negotiations. Focusing on what’s best for the family unit (especially if children are involved) could be a guiding principle, even as the marital “WE” dissolves.
• Neglect and Disconnection: The sources discuss how neglect and a lack of connection are major contributors to marital distress, potentially leading to a “Pause Button Marriage” where the connection is compromised over time. Recognizing the patterns of disconnection that developed in the marriage might foster empathy and reduce blame during separation discussions. Understanding that disconnection often happens due to a lack of conscious effort to connect could encourage more intentional and respectful communication as you separate.
• Underlying Fears: Dr. Baucom touches upon the “fear of intimacy” (fear of losing oneself in the relationship) and the “fear of abandonment“. These fears can drive negative interactions and prevent the formation of a strong “WE”. Even in separation, these underlying fears might surface as anxieties about the future, loneliness, or loss of identity. Recognizing these in yourselves and each other can foster more compassionate communication and understanding.
• Conflict Resolution: While Dr. Baucom is critical of solely focusing on conflict resolution in marriage counseling, his emphasis on understanding each other’s perspectives is relevant. He suggests asking “Help me understand how you see it that way?” instead of arguing to be right. This approach of seeking understanding rather than engaging in a “win/lose” mentality can be invaluable during separation negotiations regarding finances, property, and co-parenting arrangements.
• The Power of Perspective Shift: Dr. Baucom believes that changing how individuals think about their marriage can have a profound impact. He encourages moving away from blame and resentment toward understanding and personal responsibility. Even in separation, adopting a perspective focused on moving forward constructively, rather than dwelling on past grievances, can significantly contribute to an amicable process. He also highlights the importance of “Accurate Perception,” “Right Action,” and “Clear Communication” as ingredients for a successful marriage. While the “successful marriage” is no longer the goal, striving for accurate perception of the situation, taking responsible and respectful actions, and maintaining clear communication remain crucial for an amicable separation.
• Boundaries: Although discussed in the context of protecting the “WE” of a marriage, the concept of boundaries is crucial in separation. Establishing clear boundaries regarding communication, personal space, finances, and co-parenting will be essential for a respectful and less conflict-ridden separation.

It’s important to reiterate that the sources do not offer specific advice on divorce counseling or how it can directly facilitate an amicable separation. Dr. Baucom’s primary focus is on understanding why marriages get into trouble and providing strategies to save them.

However, by understanding the principles Dr. Baucom presents for creating a healthy marriage – the importance of unity, connection, understanding, respectful communication, and clear boundaries – you can gain insights into the opposite: the factors that contribute to marital conflict and dissolution. Being mindful of these dynamics as you navigate your separation can help you consciously choose a more collaborative and less adversarial path, increasing the chances of keeping things as amicable as possible. While the sources don’t discuss divorce counseling directly, the principles they highlight underscore the value of seeking professional guidance that can help both individuals navigate the emotional and logistical complexities of separation with empathy and a focus on respectful resolution.