There are several signs that indicate relationship issues, and there are also actionable steps you can take to start fixing them.

What are the signs of relationship issues, and how can we start fixing them?

Signs of Relationship Issues:

• Unhappiness and expressed desire to end the relationship: If your spouse makes it clear that something is very wrong and they are considering ending the marriage, this is a critical sign. You might also sense that your spouse isn’t happy even before they explicitly say so.
• A general feeling that something is wrong: You or your spouse might realize that something is not right in the marriage, even if you can’t clearly identify what it is.
• Shift in focus from giving to getting: A significant warning sign is when the focus shifts from “What can I give to this relationship?” to “What am I getting out of this?”. This can create a scarcity mindset and focus on lack.
• Disconnection and neglect: Most of the time, marital problems stem from neglect rather than maliciousness. This disconnection can be the heart of the crisis.
• Absence of “WE” and emergence of “You vs. Me”: A major cause of marriage crisis is the failure to become a WE, where couples operate as a team and a unit. When this doesn’t happen, the relationship can devolve into a “You vs. Me” dynamic.
• Power struggles: When couples are locked in power struggles, trying to control each other, it is a primary symptom that WE is missing from the relationship.
• Relying solely on emotions: Depending on your emotional state to guide the relationship can be dangerous.
• “Just not feeling it”: The feeling of not being “in love” anymore or saying “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you” often marks a downward spiral. This can be linked to a failure to navigate the natural shift from adrenaline-based attraction to endorphin-based love.
• The “Pause Button Marriage”: When a couple puts their relationship on hold due to other life priorities, the connection stagnates and recedes because relationships are either growing or receding; they cannot be paused.
• Unresolved difficulties: While every marriage has difficulties, the real problem arises when these issues are not addressed and solved, leading to a severing of the connection.
• Infidelity and other symptoms: Infidelity is usually a symptom of underlying disconnection, not the core issue itself. Other problematic behaviors can also be symptomatic of deeper problems.
• Loss of complementarity: When couples in trouble can only focus on how different or opposite they are, they have often lost sight of the complementary nature that initially attracted them.
• Downward momentum: Relationships can develop negative momentum, making it harder to shift to a positive trajectory.
• Negative emotions like anger: Experiencing frequent anger in the relationship can indicate unmet primary emotions like hurt or disappointment.
• Unacknowledged paradigm differences: Couples can struggle when they assume they see the world and their relationship the same way and don’t address underlying differences in their paradigms or worldviews.
• Violated boundaries: The absence or blurring of boundaries can leave the relationship vulnerable.
• Lack of gratitude: When relationships get into trouble, couples may start focusing on ingratitude, creating a negative cycle.
• Negative stages of intimacy: Being stuck in the stages of chaos or emptiness in the journey toward true intimacy can be a sign of significant issues.
• Low mood relating: Consistently addressing issues from a low mood can limit perspective and problem-solving abilities.
• Dwelling on the past: Focusing on past failures can prevent the possibility of future change.
• Problems with sex and money: Arguments and difficulties surrounding sex and money often symbolize deeper struggles related to power and the WE dynamic.

How to Start Fixing Relationship Issues:

• Commit to making it work: Recognize that most relationships are salvageable and that giving up is often the “easy way out”. Dr. Baucom believes that many relationships can be preserved if couples find workable solutions.
• Focus on the present and future: What happened in the past is less important than what you do now to create a better relationship.
• Prioritize connection: Understand that connection is the lifeblood of a marital relationship, and address disconnection.
• Actively build a WE: Strive to become a team, a unit, where you have each other’s backs and make decisions based on what is best for the relationship. This is not a loss of identity but an opportunity to bring your best self to the union.
• Recognize and manage fears: Understand that fears of intimacy (losing yourself) and abandonment can hinder the development of WE. Consciously choose how to respond to these fears rather than reacting.
• Choose to act lovingly: Make a conscious decision to act with love and respect, even if the feelings aren’t always there. Love is an action, and the feelings often follow.
• Understand the natural shift in love: Recognize that the intense feelings of early infatuation naturally shift to a more stable, endorphin-based love. Don’t mistake this shift for a loss of love.
• Shift your focus to giving: Consciously change your perspective from “What am I getting?” to “What can I give?” to the relationship.
• Nurture the connection consistently: Understand that relationships require regular and consistent care and that there is no “pause button”.
• Use conflict for growth: See conflicts as opportunities to grow the relationship and practice being a WE, focusing on resolution and understanding rather than winning.
• Establish clear boundaries: Agree on boundaries as a couple to protect the relationship from outside forces—emotionally, verbally, and physically.
• Improve communication through understanding: Instead of arguing to be right, try to understand your partner’s perspective by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”.
• Revisit complementarity: Remember what initially attracted you to each other and how your strengths and weaknesses balance each other.
• Make relationship-centered decisions: When faced with choices, consider what is best for the WE rather than solely individual desires.
• Create positive momentum: Intentionally make small shifts in your behavior and perception to move the relationship in a positive direction.
• Focus on showing love: Instead of questioning your feelings, focus on how you can actively show love to your spouse in ways that resonate with them. Ask them how they best feel loved.
• Introduce playfulness and positive memories: Engage in lighthearted activities together and reminisce about the early days of your relationship to rekindle positive feelings.
• Address underlying emotions: When anger arises, try to identify and address the primary emotions like hurt or disappointment.
• Become aware of and navigate paradigm differences: Recognize that you and your spouse may have different ways of seeing the world and try to understand and make room for these differences. Practice giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Cultivate gratitude: Actively look for things to be thankful for in your spouse and the relationship to counteract negative cycles.
• Persevere through difficult stages: If you are in a challenging stage like emptiness, decide to hang in and work towards acceptance and renewed connection.
• Relate from a higher mood: When discussing important issues, try to do so when you are not in a low mood and focus on potential options and solutions.
• Focus on creating new patterns: Avoid getting stuck in past failures and focus on making conscious changes for a better future.
• Address foundational issues for specific problems: Recognize that issues like sexual or financial difficulties might stem from problems with the WE. Address the core connection first.
• Embrace evolution: Understand that relationships naturally evolve, and be willing to adapt and grow together rather than clinging to rigid expectations.

Dr. Baucom’s approach emphasizes solution-based methods for saving marriages, even when one partner is resistant. He believes that many issues arise from a failure to become a WE and that shifting this dynamic is crucial. Remember that seeking professional help is also advisable if you are struggling to make these changes on your own.