Rekindling the Flame: What to Expect from Marital Help When You’ve Drifted Apart

What can we expect from marital counseling to help us reconnect after years of drifting apart?

Years can slip by, filled with work, family, and individual pursuits. Before you know it, the deep connection you once shared with your partner can feel distant, like a faint memory. If you find yourselves in this situation, wondering how to bridge the gap and reconnect after years of drifting apart, you might be considering marital counseling. But what can you realistically expect from this process?

Many couples, when facing disconnection, understandably focus on communication theory, believing that improving their communication skills will resolve misunderstandings and lead to a healthier relationship. Often, couples enter counseling specifically asking for help with their communication.

However, Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran with over 30 years in marriage therapy and relationship coaching, offers a more nuanced perspective. Drawing on his extensive experience and research, Dr. Baucom suggests that traditional couple therapy has a disconcerting lack of success, with studies indicating that around half of couples who attend therapy still divorce, and only a small percentage report significant improvement.

Baucom critiques the overemphasis on communication, arguing that the real underlying problem is often misperception, how partners perceive each other and themselves, rather than just miscommunication. He believes that simply teaching communication skills can make couples more efficient at arguing without addressing the fundamental issues.

Instead of solely focusing on communication, Dr. Baucom’s “Save the Marriage” system offers an alternative, more holistic approach designed for couples in crisis, even when only one partner is willing to actively work on the marriage. This system emphasizes that one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing.

For couples who have experienced years of drifting apart, a more effective approach to marital help, aligned with Dr. Baucom’s perspective, might focus on the following:

• Understanding the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play rather than just surface-level conflicts. This involves identifying the true causes of the marital crisis, which are often rooted in neglect rather than maliciousness.
• Shifting from a “You and Me” mindset to a “WE” mentality. This recognizes the importance of connection as vital to the relationship and works towards a sense of being a team, united in making decisions for the well-being of the relationship. Failure to make this shift can lead to struggles over identity and control.
• Moving away from blame and resentment towards understanding and personal responsibility. Individuals are encouraged to focus on what they can control—their own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses—rather than trying to change their partner.
• Addressing underlying fears, particularly the fear of intimacy and the fear of abandonment, which can create destructive patterns. Understanding which fear is being triggered can help individuals choose their responses more consciously.
• Recognizing and navigating the natural shifts in a relationship, such as the transition from infatuation (“the tingles”) to a deeper, more sustainable love fueled by connection and action. Marriages can struggle if this shift is not recognized as natural and necessary.
• Understanding the “Pause Button Marriage,” where couples unintentionally neglect their relationship while prioritizing other life aspects, leading to disconnection. Recognizing that relationships either grow or recede, and cannot be paused, is crucial.
• Creating a “Recipe of a Successful Marriage” which includes accurate perception, right action, clear communication, connection, and understanding direction. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that accurate perception of a spouse’s worldview is fundamental, and communication becomes more effective when misperceptions are addressed. Right action involves acting for the good of the “WE,” even when emotions don’t align.
• Identifying the “North Star” of the relationship, with commitment being the truest one, which encourages working through problems rather than viewing divorce as the only option.
• Shifting the momentum of the relationship by making conscious decisions to do things differently. This shift can begin even if only one person changes their perception or actions.
• Focusing on “acting as if” you love your spouse, which can help rekindle lost emotions. The focus shifts from “Do I still love him/her?” (emotion) to “How do I love him/her?” (action).
• Addressing underlying primary emotions when anger arises, as anger is often a secondary emotion masking deeper hurt or unmet needs.
• Understanding and establishing healthy boundaries for both individuals and the relationship to protect it from outside forces and foster a sense of safety and respect.
• Practicing “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking and gratitude to shift away from negativity and build a more positive cycle in the relationship.
• Moving beyond stages of disconnection like “Chaos” and “Emptiness” towards true intimacy by recognizing and accepting differences and re-energizing the relationship.
• Relating from a “high mood” which fosters a more positive perspective and ability to find solutions compared to “low mood relating” where the focus is on problems.

In conclusion, when seeking marital help to reconnect after years of drifting apart, it’s important to look for approaches that go beyond basic communication skills. Dr. Baucom’s work suggests that a more effective path involves understanding the deeper roots of disconnection, fostering a strong “WE” mentality, focusing on personal responsibility and mindset shifts, addressing underlying fears and unmet needs, and actively working towards reconnection through conscious actions and a commitment to the relationship’s growth. Even after years of distance, change and reconnection are possible with the right understanding and approach.