Feeling Like Giving Up After Repeated Fights? There’s Still Hope to Save Your Marriage

How can I save my marriage when I feel like giving up after repeated fights?

It’s understandable that you feel like giving up. Repeated fights can be emotionally draining and leave you questioning the very foundation of your marriage. Know that you are not alone; experiencing difficulties and wanting to give up during repeated fights is something many couples face. However, the good news, according to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, is that it is possible for one partner to begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing, even if your spouse isn’t immediately on the same page. Your desire to save your marriage is a powerful first step.

The key is to shift your focus from what has happened to what you can do now. While understanding the reasons behind the fights can be helpful, the immediate priority is moving towards a healthier relationship.

Here are some crucial concepts and actionable steps drawn from Dr. Baucom’s work and insights on marital challenges:

• Understand the Underlying Issues: Repeated fights are often symptoms of deeper emotional or psychological dynamics. Dr. Baucom suggests that the true cause of marital crisis is often neglect rather than maliciousness, with hurtful actions frequently stemming from hurt and pain. Consider what unmet needs or unresolved issues might be fueling the conflict.
• Recognize the “You vs. Me” Trap and Strive for “WE”: A major cause of marital crisis is the failure to become a “WE,” a united team that faces challenges together. When couples are stuck in a “You and Me” or “You versus Me” mentality, they focus on individual needs and “winning” conflicts, which erodes connection. Your task is to consciously work towards a “WE” mentality, where you make decisions based on what is best for the relationship.
• Address Fears of Intimacy and Abandonment: The struggle to become a “WE” is often fueled by the fear of intimacy (losing yourself) and the fear of abandonment (losing the relationship). These fears can create a negative cycle of pushing and pulling. Recognizing these patterns can help you choose how to respond rather than react.
• Understand the Arc of Disconnection: Relationships can follow a trajectory of disconnection if they don’t navigate challenges as a team. This can involve a shift in focus from “How can I love you?” to “How are you loving me?” and a scarcity mindset of “What am I getting out of this?”. Consciously choosing to shift back to a mindset of “What can I give?” can help break this cycle and reconnect.
• Recognize There is No “Pause Button”: Relationships are either growing or receding; they cannot be paused. Thinking you can put the marriage on hold during busy times and reconnect later often leads to further disconnection. Consistent care and nurturing of the connection are essential.
• Focus on Action, Not Just Feelings: The feeling of being “in love” changes over time, shifting from “adrenaline attraction” to “endorphin attraction”. Assuming a loss of feeling means a loss of love is a common mistake. Acting on love leads to feeling in love. Don’t wait for the feelings to return; choose to act lovingly and respectfully.
• Give Up On Arguing and Seek Understanding: Arguing is often about two people trying to convince the other they are right and rarely leads to resolution. Instead, try asking “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This shifts the focus from winning to understanding your spouse’s perspective. Remember, you can understand without agreeing.
• Make Decisions Based on the “WE”: When faced with decisions, ask yourself, “What would be best for the relationship?”. This forces you to treat your relationship as a real entity and can lead to creative solutions that benefit the “WE”.
• Create an Upward Cycle: A relationship’s momentum will continue in its current direction unless you actively work to change it. A shift in perception by even one person can begin to change the dynamic. Focus on making conscious decisions to do things differently.
• Don’t Ask If You’re Still In Love, Ask How to Love: Questioning your feelings can lead to more doubt. Instead, shift the question to “How do I love (action) him/her?”. Consider how your spouse best feels loved and even ask them directly.
• Act “As If”: If you are struggling with negative emotions, imagine how you would act if you felt differently and start doing those things. Acting loving can lead to feeling more loving.
• Understand Anger as a Secondary Emotion: When anger arises in fights, remember that it often masks primary emotions like hurt, disappointment, or dismay. Try to identify and address these underlying emotions rather than just reacting to the anger.
• Set and Maintain Boundaries: Clearly defined boundaries protect the relationship from negative outside influences and help individuals maintain their sense of self within the “WE”. Consider areas where your boundaries might be weak or violated and work on enforcing them.
• Practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” Thinking: Instead of immediately assuming negative intent during conflict, try to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. This can help de-escalate tensions.
• Focus on the Present and Future: While the past may have contributed to the current situation, dwelling on it can hinder change. Focus on what you can do in the present to build a better future for your marriage.

It’s important to recognize that every marriage has difficulties. The marriages that succeed are the ones where couples figure out how to deal with these struggles. Dr. Baucom’s program, the Save the Marriage System, offers a comprehensive approach to understanding these deeper dynamics and provides practical steps for rebuilding your relationship. While traditional couple therapy sometimes falls short, seeking help aimed in the right direction can be incredibly beneficial.

Saving a marriage when you feel like giving up is a challenging journey, but it is possible. By understanding the underlying issues, shifting your mindset, and taking consistent action, you can begin to create an upward cycle and rediscover the connection you once shared. Remember, change begins with one person, and your commitment to saving your marriage can be the catalyst for a brighter future together.