Navigating Blame: How to Fix Your Marriage When Your Partner Holds You Responsible for Everything

How can I fix my marriage if my partner blames me for all our issues?

It’s a deeply frustrating and disheartening place to be: your marriage is struggling, and your partner lays the entire weight of the problems squarely on your shoulders. You might feel misunderstood, unfairly judged, and perhaps even hopeless. If you’re asking yourself, “How can I fix my marriage if my partner blames me for all our issues?”, know that you’re not alone, and more importantly, positive change is possible, even if it has to start with you.

Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching for over 30 years, emphasizes in his Save the Marriage program that one partner can indeed begin the process of healing and lead the marriage towards a better place, even if the other is currently unwilling to actively participate. This is a crucial distinction from traditional marriage counseling, which often relies on both partners being equally engaged from the outset.

Instead of getting bogged down in the cycle of blame and resentment, you can shift your focus to what you can control: your own mindset, actions, and emotional responses. According to Baucom, a significant aspect of his approach involves changing how individuals think about their marriage.

Here are some key steps, drawing from Dr. Baucom’s principles, that you can take:

• Shift Your Mindset: Move away from the “You versus Me” mentality and strive towards creating a “WE“. Baucom identifies the failure to transition from individual perspectives to a unified “WE” as a major cause of marital crisis. This involves thinking about what is best for “US” as a couple rather than solely focusing on individual needs.
• Embrace Personal Responsibility: Instead of dwelling on your partner’s accusations, focus on your own behavior and attitudes. Ask yourself what you can do differently to improve the dynamic, regardless of whether you believe you are solely at fault. Remember, marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth, and challenges are opportunities to deepen your connection.
• Understand Your Partner’s Worldview (Paradigm): Recognize that everyone has a unique way of seeing the world. Try to understand why your partner might be placing blame, even if you disagree with their perspective. Asking “Help me understand how you see it that way?” can be a powerful tool for fostering understanding rather than escalating arguments. As Baucom notes, understanding someone’s paradigm doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.
• Focus on “Right Action” and “Acting As If”: Don’t wait for your feelings to change; instead, consciously choose to act in loving and respectful ways. Treat your spouse as if you love them, and often, the positive emotions will follow. Ask yourself, “What can I do to show my love through my actions?“. This proactive approach can help rebuild connection, as “acting on love leads to feeling in love”.
• Recognize the Normality of Difficulties: Every marriage encounters challenges. It’s how these issues are addressed that matters. Avoid the idea of a “Pause Button Marriage“, where you neglect the relationship assuming it will be fine later. Connection either grows or recedes; it never stays stagnant.
• Be Mindful of Relationship Patterns: Consider if patterns like “Controlled/Controlling” or “Under/Overfunctioning” are at play in your marriage. Recognizing these unconscious dynamics can provide valuable insights beyond the surface-level blame.
• Look Beneath the Blame: Understand that negative behaviors, including blaming, can be symptoms of deeper disconnection, unmet needs, or underlying hurts. Try to identify the primary emotions driving your partner’s anger and accusations.
• Consider Establishing Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries define what is acceptable within the “WE” and can help protect the relationship. While focusing on your own actions, you can also establish boundaries for how you will engage with your partner’s blame without accepting unfair responsibility.

Remember, marriage is a system. When one part of the system (you) initiates change in how you interact, it can create a ripple effect and influence other parts (your partner). Your commitment to acting differently, even in the face of blame, has the potential to shift the dynamic over time.

While navigating a marriage where you feel constantly blamed is tough, by focusing on your own growth, understanding your partner’s perspective, and acting with intention, you can begin to create an upward cycle and work towards the “marriage you both would treasure”.