Can This Marriage Be Saved? What to Do When the Arguments Never Stop
Can this marriage be saved if we’ve been arguing about the same things for years?
That gnawing question hangs in the air, heavy with years of repeated disagreements: “Can this marriage be saved if we’ve been arguing about the same things for years?” If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves trapped in cycles of conflict, rehashing the same issues without resolution. But take heart – according to relationship expert Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of over 30 years in marriage therapy, it is indeed possible to save a marriage even with years of repetitive arguments.
Dr. Baucom, known for his “Save the Marriage” system, contends that every marriage faces difficulties. The fact that you’ve been arguing for years indicates unresolved issues, but it doesn’t automatically signal the end. In fact, Dr. Baucom believes that most relationships are salvageable, and many couples give up prematurely instead of finding workable solutions. His approach emphasizes that one partner can initiate the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing.
So, what does it take to break free from these endless arguments and build a stronger, healthier marriage? The sources provide several key insights:
- Dig Deeper Than the Surface Arguments: The recurring arguments are likely symptoms of deeper emotional or psychological dynamics. Simply improving communication skills might not be enough if the fundamental misperceptions and unmet needs aren’t addressed. As Dr. Baucom notes, focusing solely on conflict resolution often misses the emotional underpinnings of the relationship.
- Shift From “You and Me” to a United “WE”: A core concept in Dr. Baucom’s work is the importance of evolving from an individualistic “You and Me” mindset to a collaborative “WE”. Years of arguing can signify a failure to truly operate as a team with shared goals and a sense of being indivisible. The task in marriage is to create this “WE,” where decisions are made for the benefit of the partnership.
- Embrace Personal Responsibility and Change Your Mindset: Moving away from blame and resentment towards understanding and personal accountability is crucial. Focus on what you can control – your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses – rather than trying to change your partner. Dr. Baucom highlights that altering how you think about your marriage can have a profound impact.
- View Marriage as a Journey of Growth: See challenges, including repetitive arguments, as opportunities for personal and relational growth. This long-term perspective can help you move beyond immediate crises and focus on the ongoing development of your connection.
- Recognize That Arguing Isn’t True Communication: Dr. Baucom argues that arguing often stems from trying to prove you’re right, which is rarely successful. Instead, shift towards genuine understanding by asking questions like, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This fosters a research-oriented approach to your partner’s perspective.
- Focus on “Right Action”: Sometimes, acting with love and respect, even when you don’t feel it, can lead to feeling love and rebuilding connection. Consciously choosing loving actions can interrupt the cycle of disconnection.
- Commit to Working Through It: A strong commitment to resolving problems is essential. A mindset of viewing divorce as an easy escape can hinder the effort required to save the marriage. Commitment acts as a “truest North Star,” guiding you to work through challenges.
The Cycle of Connection and Disconnection: Relationships naturally experience cycles of connection and disconnection. Recurring arguments can indicate a prolonged period of unconscious disconnecting. However, this cycle can be reversed through a conscious choice to reconnect, nurture the bond, and move back towards being a “WE”.
While the path to saving a marriage with years of entrenched arguments won’t be easy, the sources offer a message of hope. By understanding the underlying issues, shifting your perspective, focusing on the “WE,” and committing to deliberate changes in thought and action, it is absolutely possible to break free from the cycle and build the marriage you both deserve. Remember, even if only one partner starts making these changes, the dynamics of the relationship can begin to shift.
