Unhappy Relationship? You Don’t Have to End It – Here’s What You Can Do

What can I do if I’m in an unhappy relationship but don’t want to end it?

It’s a tough spot to be in: you recognize the unhappiness in your relationship, yet the thought of ending it feels wrong. You’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in this situation, and according to relationship expert Dr. Lee Baucom, most relationships are salvageable. He contends that often couples take the “easy way out” instead of finding solutions to preserve and heal their connection.

Dr. Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching for over 30 years, believes that even if only one partner is willing to work on the marriage, that individual can begin the process of change and lead the relationship toward healing. This is a core principle of his “Save the Marriage” system, designed for couples in crisis.

So, if you’re in an unhappy relationship you want to save, here are some key insights and approaches drawn from Dr. Baucom’s work that you can consider:

1. Understand Why Marriages Get Into Trouble:

• Often, marital distress stems from neglect rather than maliciousness. Hurtful actions can frequently be rooted in underlying hurt and pain. However, it’s critical to differentiate this from abusive behavior, which requires seeking safety immediately.
• Dr. Baucom emphasizes understanding the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play in marital problems.

2. Focus on Creating a “WE”:

• A central theme is the importance of shifting from a “You vs. Me” mentality to becoming a “WE,” a team, a united sense of yourselves. Successful marriages operate with a sense of being “in this together” and making decisions for the benefit of the relationship as a whole.
• Struggles with identity and control can trigger fears that erode connection.

3. Recognize the Natural Shift in Relationships:

• Many couples struggle when they misinterpret the natural transition from the initial, adrenaline-fueled infatuation stage to a more sustainable love based on endorphins. This shift can feel like a loss of love, leading to pulling away, but it’s a necessary progression.
• Sustaining love involves consciously acting in loving ways. Acting lovingly can actually fuel the feeling of being in love.

4. Be Aware of the Trajectory of Connection and Disconnection:

• Relationships follow patterns of connection and disconnection. Disconnection can begin when the focus shifts from “How can I love you?” to “How are you loving me?” and then to “What am I getting out of this?“.
• A powerful change can occur by consciously shifting your focus to “What can I give?“. Making a deliberate choice to reconnect and nurture the relationship is crucial.

5. Avoid the “Pause-Button Marriage”:

• Relationships are constantly either growing or receding; they cannot be paused. Even with good intentions to focus on the marriage later, disconnection can happen if it doesn’t receive ongoing attention.

6. Embrace the Truth That Every Marriage Has Difficulties:

• Experiencing challenges is normal. The key is how you face and solve these issues together for the betterment of the “WE“. Conflict should ideally contribute to progress, helping you understand each other and bridge differences.

7. Focus on Loving Actions:

• Don’t wait for the feeling of love to take action; choosing to act lovingly often builds the feeling. Ask yourself, “How do I love (action) him/her?” rather than “Do I still love (emotion) him/her?”.
• Discover how your spouse best feels loved by observing their past expressions of love or, most effectively, by asking them directly.

8. Consider Dr. Baucom’s Emphasis on Self-Empowerment:

• Shifting from a place of fear or neediness to one of strength and confidence can foster a healthier dynamic. Focusing on personal growth and building emotional resilience can positively impact the relationship.

9. Understand Underlying Issues:

• Symptoms like arguments or even infidelity are often indicators of deeper disconnection. Addressing the root causes, such as a failure to form a “WE” or unmet needs, is more effective than solely focusing on the symptoms.

10. Set and Maintain Boundaries:

• Establishing clear boundaries can protect your relationship from negative external influences and help manage connection and distance within the marriage.

11. Practice Positive Mindsets:

• Consider adopting “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking, assuming positive or neutral intentions from your spouse, and cultivating a sense of gratitude for the good aspects of your relationship.

12. Recognize Relationship Evolution:

• Understand that relationships evolve through stages, which may include challenging periods like “Emptiness“. Persevering through these stages, even feelings of emptiness, can lead to deeper intimacy.

13. Choose High Mood Relating:

• When addressing important issues, try to do so when you are both in a relatively good mood, focusing on options and possibilities rather than just problems.

14. Focus on Interdependence:

• Aim for interdependence in your relationship, where you are connected without losing your sense of self, rather than dependence (loss of self) or independence (refusal of impact).

15. Identify Your “North Star”:

• Determine the guiding principles of your relationship. Commitment is highlighted as a crucial “true North Star” that encourages working through problems.

16. Give Up On Arguing:

• Arguing is often just two people trying to prove they are right and doesn’t lead to understanding. Instead, try to understand your partner’s perspective by asking “Help me understand how you see it that way?“.

17. Make Decisions Based On What Is Good For the Relationship:

• When faced with choices, consider “What would be best for the relationship (the WE)?” This can help bypass personal dilemmas and foster a stronger sense of unity.

Remember, even if your spouse is not currently engaged in improving the relationship, a shift in your own perceptions and actions can alter the dynamic. Dr. Baucom’s resources, including his books and online programs, offer more comprehensive guidance if you’re serious about saving your marriage. It’s a journey that requires effort and a shift in mindset, but a happier relationship is possible even when things feel difficult right now.