Recognizing the Crossroads: First Steps When Your Marriage Feels Like It’s Failing
What are the first steps to take when I realize my marriage is failing?
It’s a moment filled with uncertainty and often pain: the dawning realization that your marriage may be in serious trouble. As Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, wisely notes, every marriage encounters difficulties. Experiencing a tough spot doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is doomed. However, acknowledging the possibility of failure is a crucial first step towards either saving it or navigating what comes next.
If you find yourself at this crossroads, overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, here are some important initial steps, drawing on the insights of Dr. Baucom and his approach to saving marriages:
1. Recognize That Difficulties Are Normal: The initial shock of realizing your marriage is struggling can be intense. Many people enter marriage with the expectation of perpetual happiness and are surprised when challenges arise. Understanding that every marriage faces difficulties is the first step in moving past the immediate alarm and beginning to address the issues. As the sources point out, about half of marriages navigate these struggles successfully.
2. Reflect on the “WE” and Connection: Dr. Baucom emphasizes that the heart of a marital relationship is connection, and a key reason marriages falter is the failure to evolve from a “You and Me” mentality to a “WE”. This “WE” signifies a sense of being a team, a united entity making decisions for the benefit of the relationship. Ask yourself honestly: does your marriage currently operate more as two separate individuals or as a cohesive unit with shared goals and priorities? Building and nurturing this “WE” is a fundamental task of marriage.
3. Consider the “Pause Button Marriage”: Life’s demands – career, children, and other responsibilities – can sometimes lead to a neglect of the marital connection, as if hitting a “pause button” with the intention of reconnecting later. However, the sources stress that there is no pause button for relationships. Connection requires continuous nurturing, and neglecting it can lead to significant disconnection over time.
4. Shift Your Focus to Giving: When a marriage struggles, it’s easy to become fixated on what you feel you’re not getting from your spouse. Dr. Baucom suggests a transformative shift in perspective: instead of asking “What am I getting out of this?”, consciously ask “What can I put into this?”. This focus on contribution can be a powerful catalyst for rebuilding connection.
5. Start Acting Lovingly: Love is not just a feeling; it’s also an action. Instead of waiting to feel in love, consciously choose to act in loving ways towards your spouse. These actions can create a positive cycle, where acting lovingly leads to feeling more loving, which in turn makes it easier to act lovingly. Consider what specific actions would demonstrate love to your partner.
6. Give Up Arguing and Seek to Understand: Arguing is often a counterproductive “tug-of-war” where neither partner truly wins and effective communication breaks down. Dr. Baucom advises shifting from trying to be right to trying to understand your spouse’s perspective by asking questions like, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This approach fosters understanding and can bridge different worldviews.
7. Be Willing to Initiate Change: A key tenet of Dr. Baucom’s approach is that one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing, even if the other partner is initially disengaged. You don’t need to wait for your spouse to initiate; your own changes in behavior, attitude, and emotional responses can create a shift in the marital system.
8. Reflect on the Momentum of Your Relationship: Consider the overall direction your relationship has been heading. Like a physical object, a relationship develops momentum, tending to continue in its current direction. Be willing to make conscious shifts in your thoughts and actions to try and redirect that momentum towards a more positive path.
9. Consider Your Relationship’s “North Star”: Reflect on what you and your spouse believe is the fundamental purpose of your marriage. Dr. Baucom suggests focusing on “true North Stars” such as self-improvement, spiritual growth, being a team, growing old together, becoming everything each can be, and, most importantly, commitment. Focusing on these core values can provide direction and stability during difficult times.
10. Begin to Think About Boundaries: Boundaries are the borders that protect your relationship from external pressures. Consider whether a lack of clear or healthy boundaries might be contributing to the issues in your marriage. Understanding and establishing appropriate boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Taking these first steps requires courage and a willingness to look honestly at your marriage. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that understanding why your marriage is in trouble is crucial before trying to implement solutions. This initial reflection and shift in focus can be the beginning of a journey towards healing and a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.
Important Note: If your marriage involves abuse (physical, emotional, or otherwise), your safety is the top priority. Please stop reading and seek immediate help from domestic violence resources.
