Navigating Hesitation: How to Focus on Saving Your Relationship When Your Partner Isn’t Sure

How can I focus on saving a relationship when my partner is hesitant?

It’s a painful and isolating feeling when you realize your relationship is in trouble, and you’re the only one who seems willing to fight for it. Your partner might be hesitant, distant, or even talking about ending things. In this challenging situation, how can you focus on saving the relationship? According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, author of “Save The Marriage,” it’s absolutely possible to start the process of transformation, even if only you want to!.

You Are Not Powerless: The “Relationship Judo” Approach

It can feel discouraging when your spouse seems uninterested or has “given up”. However, Dr. Baucom emphasizes that your efforts can still make a difference. His strategies have even been called “relationship Judo”. This means learning how to use the negative energy in your relationship to turn things around. Think of it as redirecting the force of the crisis in a more constructive direction.

The Marriage as a System: Your Actions Create Ripples

Remember that a marriage isn’t just two separate individuals; it’s a system. As with any system, if you impact one part, you inevitably impact other parts. By changing how you interact, you will, in turn, change how your partner must interact. This understanding is crucial because it empowers you to take the first steps without needing your partner’s immediate cooperation.

Don’t Wait for Agreement: Start Shifting Momentum Now

One of the most damaging myths is that you can’t start saving your marriage if your spouse isn’t interested. Dr. Baucom argues against this, stating that his techniques work even if your spouse has already “given up”. He warns against procrastination and hoping things will “just work themselves out”. Negative momentum in a relationship moves against you, and delaying action can make the situation truly irreparable. It is critical to start the process of saving your marriage now.

Focus on Your Actions and Perceptions:

• Take Action, Even Alone: Kelly, in the introduction, started the process of saving her marriage by herself, even when Greg was bent on divorce. Her individual action eventually led to a change. You too can begin by focusing on what you can do.
• Understand the Stages of Crisis: Dr. Baucom discovered that there are 8 distinct paths in a marriage crisis, and each must be addressed differently. It’s crucial to determine exactly which stage of crisis you are facing. Doing the right thing at the wrong time can cause more problems.
• Shift Your Perspective: Often, saving a relationship requires a shift in perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, consider adopting the “Benefit-Of-The-Doubt” thinking, assuming positive or neutral intentions from your partner.
• Practice “Right Action”: This involves relating in intentionally healthy ways, taking your partner’s needs into balance with your own, moving towards “WE”. Sometimes, this means acting lovingly regardless of your current emotional state.
• Focus on What You Can Control: You can control your responses, your actions, and your willingness to understand your partner’s perspective. Try asking the powerful question: “Help me understand how you see it that way?” instead of arguing.
• Rediscover Complementarity: Remember what originally attracted you to your partner and how your strengths and weaknesses complemented each other. Focusing on this can shift your perception from opposition to balance.

The Path Back Exists:

While a marriage can fall apart in countless ways, the path back is predictable. Dr. Baucom’s work emphasizes understanding and navigating this path. You don’t just want to go back to “where it used to be,” but to create a marriage that is insulated against future crises.

Act “As If”:

When emotions feel lacking, try the powerful technique of “Acting as if…”. If you were feeling loving, how would you be acting? Do those things. Surprisingly, acting as if a feeling is there can actually help bring that feeling back.

It’s a Journey, Not a Quick Fix:

Remember that restoring a relationship takes time and effort. Don’t get discouraged by slow progress. Your consistent efforts to shift your own behaviors and perceptions can gradually change the dynamic of your relationship, even if your partner is initially hesitant.

While your partner’s willingness is essential for a fully thriving relationship, you have the power to initiate positive change. By focusing on your own actions, understanding the dynamics of a marriage crisis, and consistently applying the principles outlined by Dr. Baucom, you can create the conditions for your partner to reconsider and for your relationship to begin its journey toward healing and transformation. The time for action is now, and it starts with you.