Reclaiming Your Weekends: Resolving Marital Conflict Over Free Time
How can we resolve marital conflict over how we spend our free time?
Ah, the weekend. A time for relaxation, hobbies, and reconnecting… hopefully with your spouse! But for many couples, the division of free time can become a battleground, leading to frustration and resentment. If you find yourselves constantly clashing over how to spend those precious off-hours, you’re not alone. The good news is, as Dr. Lee H. Baucom suggests in “Save The Marriage,” you can take action to turn things around, even if it feels like only you want to.
Understanding the “You/Me Trap”
Often, conflicts about free time stem from what Dr. Baucom calls the “You/Me Trap”. In this dynamic, each partner is primarily concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship, keeping a mental “ledger” of whose needs are being met. When it comes to leisure activities, this can manifest as one spouse feeling their hobbies are constantly sidelined, while the other feels nagged for not participating in joint activities. Remember, successful relationships move beyond this “You/Me” mentality and strive for a “WE”.
Shifting Your Perspective: It’s Not About Winning
Dr. Baucom emphasizes that arguing is rarely productive in a marriage. Instead of trying to convince your spouse that your way of spending free time is “right,” try to “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This simple question shifts the focus from winning to understanding your partner’s perspective and their “paradigm,” or way of seeing the world. Everyone has a different filter based on their experiences, and understanding this filter is crucial. Remember, understanding doesn’t equal agreement.
Finding Your “WE” in Leisure
Think about what originally attracted you to your spouse. Were there complementary aspects in how you enjoyed your downtime? Perhaps one was more active, the other more relaxed. Instead of viewing these differences as sources of conflict, consider how they can supplement each other. Maybe a weekend could include both a hike (for the active one) and a quiet evening in (for the relaxed one).
Making Decisions for the Relationship
When disagreements arise about free time, try asking: “What would be best for the relationship?”. This forces you to consider the “WE” and move beyond individual desires. It might mean sometimes compromising on individual activities to spend quality time together, and other times respecting each other’s need for solo pursuits.
The Power of Clear Communication (TIE)
Dr. Baucom introduces the “TIE Elements of Communication”: Time, Intentionality, and Execution. To resolve conflicts about free time:
- Time: Make dedicated time to discuss how you each envision your weekends and free evenings. The average couple spends very little time in meaningful conversation.
- Intentionality: Consciously focus the conversation on your needs and desires regarding leisure, but also actively listen to your spouse’s. What are their hopes and dreams for their downtime? What helps them recharge?
- Execution: Turn these discussions into actionable habits. Perhaps you schedule “date nights” or agree on specific times for individual hobbies.
Taking “Right Action”
“Right Action” involves relating in intentionally healthy ways, balancing your needs with your spouse’s, and pulling you towards the “WE”. This means sometimes acting in loving ways even when you don’t necessarily feel like it. If your spouse values spending Saturday mornings together, make an effort to be present and engaged, even if your preference would be a solitary activity. Remember, acting lovingly can actually lead to feeling more loving.
Beware of the Momentum
Dr. Baucom warns that if you don’t take action, the negative momentum in your relationship will continue. If conflicts over free time are a recurring issue, don’t hope they will simply resolve themselves. It’s critical to start the process of change now.
Setting Boundaries and Standards
While striving for “WE,” it’s also important to have healthy boundaries. You need to know what you will and will not accept in terms of how your free time is respected. Clearly communicate these boundaries to your spouse. Similarly, establish standards for how you will respect their need for leisure.
Moving Towards an “Evolved Relationship”
Dr. Baucom suggests that relationships don’t just grow; they evolve. This evolution involves navigating conflicts and finding new ways of relating that encompass more of each individual within the “WE”. Resolving conflicts over free time is part of this evolutionary process, leading to a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.
By shifting your perspective from “You vs. Me” to “WE,” prioritizing understanding over arguing, communicating clearly, and taking “Right Action,” you can navigate the complexities of shared free time and create a more harmonious and enjoyable life together. Remember, anyone is capable of transforming their relationship, so take that first step today!
