Rebuilding Bridges: Can Relationship Therapy Help After a Long Period of Distance?

Can relationship therapy help us rebuild our connection after a long period of distance?

The question of whether a connection frayed by distance can be rekindled is a common one. When life pulls partners in different directions, whether through career demands, family obligations, or simply drifting apart, the once vibrant “us” can feel distant and unfamiliar. This often leads to the question: can relationship therapy help us rebuild our connection after a long period of distance?

Drawing on the insights of Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching, the answer is a nuanced but hopeful yes, with caveats. While traditional couple therapy faces its share of criticism, particularly in its approach, the core idea that relationships can change and improve, even after periods of separation, holds true. Dr. Baucom contends that most relationships are salvageable.

The Limitations of Traditional Approaches

It’s important to first acknowledge the perspective offered in the sources regarding traditional couple therapy. Research suggests that it has a surprisingly low success rate, with around half of couples ending up divorced and only a small percentage reporting significant help. Dr. Baucom posits that a “faulty assumption” underlies much of traditional therapy: the belief that poor communication is the primary problem. He argues that simply improving communication skills might not address the deeper issues and could even make conflict more efficient without leading to resolution. Furthermore, traditional therapy often focuses on the individual within the relationship, which can compete with the goal of strengthening the “WE”.

Dr. Baucom’s Alternative: Hope and Action

Dr. Baucom’s “Save the Marriage” system offers a different lens through which to view rebuilding connection. A central tenet of his approach is the empowering idea that one partner can initiate the process of change and guide the marriage toward healing, even if the other partner seems resistant or disengaged. He views a marriage as a system, where an impact on one part can ripple through and influence other parts.

Key Principles for Rebuilding Connection After Distance

Based on Dr. Baucom’s perspective, several key principles emerge for rebuilding connection after a period of distance:

• Re-establish the “WE”: Distance often occurs when the focus shifts from the relationship as a unified “WE,” a team looking out for its best interests, to a “You vs. Me” dynamic. Consciously working to recreate this sense of shared identity and common purpose is crucial. Marriage is designed to be a relationship of “WE”.
• Recognize the “Pause Button Marriage” is a Myth: Relationships are constantly in motion; they are either growing or receding, never truly paused. Rebuilding requires acknowledging that the distance isn’t a neutral state and intentionally choosing to nurture the connection.
• Shift from “Getting” to “Giving”: When disconnection sets in, the focus often narrows to what each partner feels they are lacking. Rebuilding connection involves a conscious shift towards asking “What can I give to this relationship?“. This shift in perspective can be transformative.
• Love is an Action: Even if the feelings of connection have diminished due to distance, Dr. Baucom emphasizes that “love is an action, and the feeling follows“. Intentionally acting in loving and respectful ways can help rekindle those feelings. Don’t just ask if you still love, but ask how you can show love.
• Address Underlying Issues, Not Just Communication: Instead of solely focusing on surface-level communication problems, it’s vital to understand and address the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics that contributed to the distance. These misperceptions can poison communication.
• Understand the Trajectory of Connection: The process of a relationship dissolving mirrors the process of connecting in reverse. Recognizing this “Trajectory of Connection” highlights that conscious choices to reconnect at various points can change the direction of the relationship.
• Establish Healthy Boundaries: Understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries is crucial for a healthy connection. Boundaries help manage the balance between connection and distance and prevent feelings of being overwhelmed or abandoned.
• Embrace Growth and Evolution: Marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth. Challenges, including periods of distance, can be viewed as opportunities for deeper connection and evolution.

Conclusion: A Path Forward

While rebuilding connection after a long period of distance requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to shift perspectives, Dr. Baucom’s approach offers a hopeful roadmap. Instead of solely relying on traditional methods that may have limitations, focusing on creating a “WE,” acting lovingly, addressing underlying issues, and understanding the dynamics of connection can pave the way to rebuilding those bridges. Remember, change can begin with just one person, and by intentionally choosing to act with love and focus on the relationship, you can navigate the path back to a stronger connection.