Affair: What Should You Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Having One?
What should I do if I suspect my spouse is having an affair?
That gut-wrenching feeling. The nagging doubts. The subtle changes in behavior that make you wonder: is my spouse having an affair? If you’re grappling with this suspicion, you’re likely experiencing a storm of emotions. It’s important to know that according to the sources, infidelity is often a symptom of a deeper marital crisis, rather than the root cause itself.
Lee Baucom, Ph.D., a veteran of marriage therapy for over 30 years, suggests that understanding the “why” behind marital troubles is crucial for finding a resolution. Simply focusing on the affair, like treating a fever without addressing the underlying infection, might cause the real issues to be ignored.
The Underlying Crisis: Disconnection
One of the primary issues often linked to infidelity is disconnection. The sources emphasize that humans have a deeply ingrained need for connection. When this connection is lacking in a marriage, one partner might seek it elsewhere. This disconnection often isn’t a sudden event but rather a gradual process, an “Arc of Disconnection,” fueled by small, seemingly unavoidable decisions that pull energy away from the marriage.
Think about your own relationship. Has there been a gradual drifting apart? Have you unintentionally put your marriage “on pause” due to life circumstances like raising children or focusing on careers? The sources remind us that connection either grows or recedes; it is never stationary. This stagnation can lead to disconnection, and infidelity can be a painful symptom of this void.
The Importance of Boundaries
Another critical factor contributing to vulnerability to infidelity is a lack of boundaries. Boundaries are the “borders” that protect your relationship from outside forces. Many couples haven’t explicitly discussed or agreed upon these protective boundaries. Without clear boundaries, emotional energy can creep out of the marriage, increasing the risk of infidelity. These boundaries define what each person does to protect the relationship in interactions with others – verbally, emotionally, and physically.
What Should You Do? Shift Your Focus
Given this understanding, if you suspect an affair, the sources suggest it might be more beneficial to consider the overall state of your marital connection and boundaries. Instead of solely focusing on your suspicion, try to look at potential underlying issues contributing to disconnection in your relationship.
Consider the concept of “WE” in your marriage. Has the focus shifted from a team-oriented “WE” to a more individualistic “You and Me,” or even a combative “You versus Me“? According to Dr. Baucom, marriage is designed to be a relationship of “WE,” a team connected and looking out for what is best for the relationship.
Taking Action
Regardless of whether your suspicions are confirmed, the sources imply that taking proactive steps to rebuild connection and establish healthy boundaries can be crucial. Remember that love is an action; the feeling often follows. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that even if only one partner starts making changes, it can impact the entire marital system. Consider asking yourself “What can I give?” to the relationship, rather than focusing on “What am I getting?“. This shift in perspective can be powerful in fostering reconnection.
Can the Marriage Be Saved?
The sources offer hope, stating that a marriage can be saved after infidelity. This suggests that addressing the underlying disconnection and rebuilding the “WE” of the marriage are essential steps in the healing process.
Seek Professional Help
If your marriage is in trouble, seeking professional help is strongly recommended. Dr. Baucom, with his extensive experience in marriage therapy and relationship coaching, has authored resources like “How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps” and “Save the Marriage” that outline methods for rebuilding relationships. However, the information provided in the sources is not a substitute for professional legal or medical advice.
Conclusion
Suspecting infidelity is a painful experience. While it’s natural to focus on the suspicion itself, the sources encourage you to take a broader look at your marriage. Understanding the potential underlying issues like disconnection and lack of boundaries can provide a more comprehensive path forward, whether you are trying to heal from infidelity or prevent further hurt in your relationship. By consciously working on connection and establishing healthy boundaries, you can begin to address the deeper needs of your marriage and determine the best course of action for your future.
