Navigating the Crossroads: Finding Clarity on Divorce or Staying Together

How can discernment counseling help us decide if we should divorce or stay together?

Deciding whether to end a marriage or to work towards reconciliation is one of the most significant and emotionally challenging decisions a couple can face. You might be wondering, “Is there a way to gain clarity amidst all this uncertainty?” While the sources provided don’t directly discuss “discernment counseling,” the principles and approaches advocated by Dr. Lee Baucom in his “Save the Marriage” system offer valuable insights that align with the goals of this type of counseling.

Dr. Baucom’s work is designed for couples in crisis. His primary focus is on helping couples repair their marriages by understanding the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play. This understanding is a crucial first step when grappling with the question of divorce versus staying together, as it helps to clarify what has gone wrong beyond surface-level conflicts.

Here’s how Dr. Baucom’s principles, as outlined in the sources, can guide you in the discernment process:

• Understanding the “Why”: Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of understanding the true causes of marital problems, often highlighting neglect rather than maliciousness. His work encourages couples to look beyond the symptoms and identify the underlying issues that have led to the crisis. This clarity can provide a vital perspective when considering the possibility of repair versus dissolution.
• The Power of “WE”: A central theme in Dr. Baucom’s approach is the shift from a “You and Me” mentality to a “WE” mentality. The ability, or inability, to foster or rekindle this sense of unity and shared purpose is fundamental when deciding if the marriage can move forward as a cohesive unit.
• Focusing on Your Control: Dr. Baucom stresses the impact of individual mindset and encourages partners to take personal responsibility. Instead of solely focusing on what their spouse is doing wrong, individuals are empowered to look at their own behaviors, attitudes, and emotional responses. This inward focus can help each person assess their own role in the marital dynamic and their potential for change, which is crucial for discerning whether reconciliation is possible.
• One Person Can Initiate Change: Unlike some traditional counseling models, Dr. Baucom believes that one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing. This is particularly relevant in situations where one partner is leaning towards divorce while the other wishes to save the marriage. Understanding this possibility can offer hope and direction in the discernment process.
• Addressing the Disconnection: Dr. Baucom identifies disconnection as a primary issue in troubled marriages. His work explores how disconnection happens, often unintentionally through neglect or the “pause-button marriage”, and emphasizes the possibility of conscious reconnection. Assessing the depth of disconnection and the willingness of at least one partner to actively work towards reconnection is a key aspect of deciding the future of the relationship.
• Symptoms vs. Root Causes: Dr. Baucom views issues like infidelity as often being symptoms of deeper disconnection rather than the core problem itself. Addressing these underlying issues is essential for long-term healing, regardless of the ultimate decision about the marriage. Understanding this distinction can prevent couples from making a decision based solely on a symptom without addressing the potential for deeper resolution.
• Marriage as a Growth Journey: Dr. Baucom views marriage as a journey of personal and relational growth, with challenges offering opportunities for deepening connection. This perspective can help couples frame their current difficulties not just as reasons for potential divorce but also as potential catalysts for positive change and evolution.

In conclusion, while the term “discernment counseling” may not appear directly in the provided sources, the principles and strategies advocated by Dr. Lee Baucom offer a framework for couples at a crossroads. By focusing on understanding the underlying issues, taking personal responsibility, recognizing the potential for change initiated by one partner, and addressing the crucial element of connection, couples can gain greater clarity and make a more informed decision about whether to pursue divorce or commit to working towards a healthier future together.