Lost Together? Finding Your Way Back in Your Marriage

Where can I get help for my marriage when we’re both feeling lost?

That feeling of being lost in your marriage, where both you and your spouse feel adrift, can be incredibly disheartening. You’re not alone, and thankfully, there are paths you can explore to find your way back to each other and rebuild a stronger connection. Drawing on the insights of Dr. Lee Baucom and his Save the Marriage approach, let’s look at where you can get help.

Understanding the Landscape of a Lost Marriage

When both partners feel lost, it often signifies a breakdown in your shared vision and connection. You might be caught in a cycle of blame and resentment, or perhaps life’s pressures have led to a “Pause Button Marriage” where your relationship hasn’t been actively nurtured. According to Dr. Baucom, a major underlying issue can be the failure to truly become a unified “WE” rather than remaining in a “You and Me” dynamic. This can be fueled by fears of intimacy and abandonment.

Where to Find Help and Guidance

Here are several avenues to consider when you’re both feeling lost:

• The Save the Marriage System: Dr. Lee Baucom is best known for his comprehensive program, Save the Marriage. This system is specifically designed for couples in crisis and focuses on understanding the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play. It offers a structured approach to help you both regain direction. Unlike traditional marriage counseling, Baucom’s method emphasizes that one partner can initiate change and guide the marriage towards healing. This is crucial if one of you feels more ready to take action.
  
• Dr. Baucom’s Books and Resources: He has authored several books, including Save the Marriage and How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps. These books provide practical steps and outline his methods for rebuilding your relationship and can serve as valuable self-guided resources. Dr. Baucom also offers help through his online programs, podcasts, and coaching. These accessible resources can be particularly helpful if you prefer a self-guided approach or have limited access to traditional therapy. You can explore his website at www.SaveTheMarriage.com.
  
• Shifting Your Mindset: A key aspect of Dr. Baucom’s work involves shifting from a mindset of blame and resentment towards understanding and personal responsibility. Focus on what you can control – your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses – rather than trying to change your partner. Remember that marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth, and challenges can be opportunities to deepen your connection.
  
• Focusing on Becoming a “WE”: Actively work on making decisions based on what is best for the relationship as a whole. This requires moving beyond individual needs and fears to prioritize the “WE”.
  
• Acting Lovingly: Instead of waiting to “feel” in love, start acting lovingly towards each other. Loving actions can actually lead to loving feelings and rebuild connection. Ask yourselves, “How can I love (action) him/her?”.
  
• Rebuilding Connection Consciously: If you feel disconnected, make a conscious choice to reconnect and nurture your bond. Remember that disconnection can be reversed through intentional connection. Ask “What can I give?” rather than “What am I getting?”.
  
• Identifying Your “North Star”: Determine the true “North Star” of your relationship, such as commitment, self-improvement, or growing old together, rather than focusing on “false North Stars” like constant happiness. Commitment can provide a guiding principle when feeling lost.
  
• Understanding Different Perspectives: Strive to understand your spouse’s worldview by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember that understanding doesn’t equal agreement.
  
• Considering Relationship Coaching and Teleclasses: Dr. Baucom’s team offers relationship coaching over the telephone and periodically holds teleclasses based on his principles. These can provide more direct and personalized guidance.
  

A Note on Traditional Counseling

Dr. Baucom is critical of some traditional marriage counseling methods that heavily focus on conflict resolution and communication without addressing the underlying emotional issues. He believes a more holistic approach fostering empathy, emotional connection, and long-term commitment is often needed, especially in deep crisis. While communication is important, it’s often a symptom rather than the root cause.

Important Reminder:

If there is any physical threat or abusive behavior, the immediate priority is safety. Help in such situations should focus on ensuring the well-being of the individual experiencing abuse.

Feeling lost together doesn’t have to be the end of your story. By exploring resources like the Save the Marriage system, focusing on key principles of connection and mindset, and taking conscious steps towards each other, you can begin to find your way back to a stronger and more fulfilling marriage. Remember, change is possible, and it can even start with just one of you making a shift.