Navigating the Storm: How to Save Your Marriage When Divorce Threats Loom

How can I save my marriage when my partner threatens divorce often?

The words hang in the air, heavy and fear-inducing: “I want a divorce.” When your partner utters this threat frequently, it can feel like your marriage is constantly on shaky ground. It’s a serious challenge, but according to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, there is hope, and you, as one partner, can initiate positive change even if your spouse seems resistant.

Dr. Baucom, known for his Save the Marriage system, emphasizes that marriages often falter due to neglect and disconnection, rather than outright malice. Those repeated threats of divorce could be a symptom of deeper hurt and pain, a cry for help, or a manifestation of unmet needs. Understanding this underlying dynamic is the first step towards turning things around.

Here’s a comprehensive approach, drawing from Dr. Baucom’s principles, to help you navigate this difficult situation:

1. Understand the Root of the Problem:

• Look beyond the threats: Instead of just reacting to the word “divorce,” try to understand what triggers these threats. What is your partner truly unhappy about? Is it a lack of connection, unmet expectations, or unresolved conflict?
• Recognize neglect and disconnection: Dr. Baucom suggests that many marital crises stem from a gradual drift apart. Have you unintentionally put your marriage on the back burner while focusing on other aspects of life, creating a “Pause Button Marriage“? Remember, there is no “pause button” for a marriage; connection either grows or recedes.

2. Shift Your Mindset and Focus on What You Can Control:

• Embrace personal responsibility: A key aspect of Dr. Baucom’s work is moving away from blame and focusing on your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses. You can’t directly change your partner, but you can change how you interact.
• Adopt a “WE” mentality: One of the core concepts is shifting from a “You and Me” mindset to a “WE,” where you function as a team, making decisions that benefit the relationship as a whole. Start consciously considering your partner’s perspective and seeking solutions that benefit your shared future. The failure to make this shift is a major cause of marital crisis.

3. Take Loving Actions:

• Love is an action: Dr. Baucom emphasizes that love is an action, and the feeling often follows. Don’t wait to “feel” in love; instead, consciously act in loving ways towards your spouse.
• Discover your partner’s love language: Consider how your partner has shown or expressed love in the past, and even ask them how they would like to be loved. Showing love in ways that resonate with them can rebuild connection.

4. Navigate Conflict Constructively:

• Seek to understand, not to win: Instead of arguing to prove you’re right, aim to understand your partner’s perspective. Ask “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. See conflict as an opportunity for growth and to build a stronger “WE“. Give up on arguing as a means of communication.
• Focus on solutions: Shift your focus from dwelling on what’s wrong to exploring what your options are and what is possible. This can foster a more positive and creative approach to rebuilding your relationship.

5. Address Underlying Emotions:

• Anger as a secondary emotion: Recognize that if your partner expresses anger, it often masks primary emotions like hurt, disappointment, or unmet needs. Try to move beyond the anger to understand these deeper feelings.

6. Consider and Establish Boundaries:

• Protecting the “WE”: While the sources don’t offer specific steps, they highlight that a lack of boundaries can harm a marriage. Consider what boundaries are needed to create a safe, respectful, and protected space for your relationship.

7. Initiate an Upward Cycle:

• One person can change the momentum: Relationships often get stuck in negative patterns. A change in momentum can begin with just one person making a shift in perception and relating differently. By consciously changing your interactions, you can influence how your partner responds.

Important Considerations:

• No “feeling it” doesn’t mean the end: The feeling of being “in love” fluctuates. Acting on love leads to feeling in love. Focus on the actions, and the feelings can often be rekindled.
• Commitment as the North Star: Dr. Baucom suggests that when commitment becomes the guiding principle of the relationship, it provides a framework for working through problems rather than giving up.
• Beware of destructive patterns: Be mindful of patterns like the “You/Me Trap“, controlled/controlling dynamics, and under/overfunctioning, as these can severely damage the “WE“.
• Personal growth is key: Marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth. View challenges as opportunities to deepen your connection and evolve together.

Saving a marriage where divorce is frequently threatened is undoubtedly challenging. However, Dr. Baucom’s approach offers a path forward. By focusing on your own actions, understanding the dynamics at play, and consciously working towards a more connected “WE,” you can begin to shift the trajectory of your relationship. Remember to be patient, as rebuilding trust and connection takes time and effort from both sides in the long run. If, despite your dedicated efforts, the threats persist or if you are in an abusive situation, seeking professional help, even individually, is crucial for your well-being and safety.