Rekindling the Flame: How to Save Your Marriage When Intimacy Has Faded

How do I save my marriage when we’ve stopped being intimate?

It’s a painful reality many couples face: the once vibrant intimacy in your marriage has dwindled, leaving you feeling distant and disconnected. If you’re asking yourself, “How do I save my marriage when we’ve stopped being intimate?”, know that you’re not alone and, more importantly, there is hope.

According to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of over 30 years in marriage therapy and relationship coaching, a lack of intimacy is often a symptom of deeper issues within the relationship, stemming from a breakdown in connection. Understanding these underlying dynamics, as Dr. Baucom emphasizes, is crucial for repair. His Save the Marriage system is specifically designed for couples in crisis, focusing on these deeper emotional and psychological factors.

Here’s a guide, drawing on Dr. Baucom’s principles from the sources, to help you navigate this challenging time and work towards rebuilding intimacy:

1. Recognize the Vital Role of Connection: Dr. Baucom states that connection is the “lifeblood of relationships”. When intimacy fades, it’s often a sign that this essential connection has been compromised. Think of it as a disruption in the “circulation of connection”.

2. Understand the “Pause Button Marriage”: It’s possible your marriage has fallen into what Dr. Baucom calls a “Pause Button Marriage“. This happens unintentionally when life gets busy with work, kids, and other responsibilities, and you unknowingly put your marriage “on pause,” assuming you’ll reconnect later. However, relationships don’t pause; they either grow or recede. The lack of intimacy could be a result of this gradual disconnection.

3. Shift from “You & Me” to a “WE” Mentality: A core belief of Dr. Baucom is that successful marriages operate as a “WE,” a team focused on what’s best for the relationship, rather than individual needs alone. If intimacy has stopped, it might indicate a drift into a “You vs. Me” mindset. Consciously making decisions based on what is good for the “WE” can be a powerful step in rebuilding closeness. Dr. Baucom’s work emphasizes moving from the “You/Me Trap” to a focus on the relationship as a protected entity.

4. Remember: Love is an Action, the Feeling Follows: Dr. Baucom stresses that “love is an action, and the feeling follows“. Waiting to feel intimate before acting in loving ways can create a downward spiral. Instead, consciously choose to act lovingly towards your spouse. Ask yourself, “What can I do to show my love?“. These actions can rebuild connection, and loving feelings, including intimacy, can follow.

5. Navigate the Natural Shift in Attraction: Early relationship attraction is often adrenaline-fueled, naturally shifting to an endorphin-based attraction over time. Don’t mistake this shift for a sign that something is wrong. Sustained love and intimacy are fueled by “doing” love, which leads to connection.

6. Practice “Right Action”: Focus on “Right Action,” which means acting in the best interest of the relationship, even if you don’t currently feel like it. This can break negative cycles and initiate positive change.

7. Communicate with Intention and Seek Understanding: While Dr. Baucom believes communication is often a symptom, not the root problem, clear and intentional communication is still vital. Strive to understand your spouse’s perceptions and communicate your own needs in a way that fosters understanding rather than argument. Dr. Baucom suggests asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?“.

8. Shift Your Perspective: The “heart of improving a relationship is usually a shift in perspective“. Instead of dwelling on the lack of intimacy and negative feelings, focus on what you can do to rebuild connection and act lovingly. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that one partner can begin the process of change.

9. Consider Regaining Lost Emotions: If the lack of intimacy is linked to a broader loss of emotional connection, Dr. Baucom suggests several strategies: * Choose to be playful: Lighthearted activities can help rediscover passion. * Remind yourselves of how the relationship started: Reflecting on the early days can rekindle warm feelings. * “Act as if”: Imagine how you would act if you felt loving and intimate, and then do those things. This can surprisingly shift your feelings.

10. Focus on “WE” in Decision Making: When faced with choices, ask, “What would be best for the relationship?“. This reinforces your unity and shared goals.

Beyond these steps, consider these crucial insights from Dr. Baucom’s work:

• Address the Underlying Issues: Don’t just focus on the symptom of lack of intimacy. Explore the deeper reasons for the disconnection. Often, the cause is neglect rather than malicious intent.
• Give Up Arguing: Arguing is rarely productive and often leads to further disconnection. Instead, focus on understanding each other’s perspectives.
• Establish Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries protect the “WE” from external pressures and internal missteps.
• Navigate the Stage of “Emptiness”: If you feel a profound lack of connection, recognize that this “Emptiness” can be a stage on the path to deeper intimacy if you choose to persevere and accept your differences.
• Embrace “High Mood Relating”: Consciously choose to relate from a positive perspective, focusing on options and possibilities rather than dwelling on problems.
• Understand Marital Sexuality within “WE”: See your sexual relationship as both a fuel for and a result of a strong “WE.” Address issues within the “WE” first to improve intimacy.

Saving your marriage when intimacy has faded requires conscious effort, a shift in perspective, and a commitment to rebuilding your connection as a “WE.” By focusing on loving actions and understanding the deeper dynamics at play, you can indeed rekindle the flame and create the treasured marriage you both desire. Remember, even if only one of you is initially willing to work on the marriage, that single effort can create a positive shift.