Navigating the Storm: Strategies to Avoid Divorce During a Rough Patch

What strategies can help us avoid divorce during this rough patch?

Is your marriage hitting a rough patch? You’re not alone. Every relationship experiences its ups and downs. As Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching for over 30 years, contends, difficulties are a normal part of every marriage. The crucial thing is how you navigate these challenging times. Giving up might seem like the “easy way out,” but according to Dr. Baucom, many relationships are salvageable with the right strategies. Let’s explore some key approaches, drawing from Dr. Baucom’s principles, to help you weather this storm and avoid divorce.

1. Cultivate a Powerful “WE” Mentality

One of Dr. Baucom’s core beliefs is the importance of shifting from a “You and Me” or “You versus Me” dynamic to a united sense of “WE“. This means making decisions based on what is best for the relationship as a whole. Think of yourselves as a team, working together to overcome the current challenges. As Baucom explains, when couples become a “WE,” they persevere through tough times by standing together as a unit, seeing themselves as indivisible and forever joined. This shift in perspective is central to successful marriages.

2. Understand That Rough Patches Are Inevitable

It’s vital to recognize that experiencing difficulties doesn’t automatically signal failure. Every marriage will encounter tough spots. The key is not to be surprised or alarmed when they arise but to focus on addressing and resolving the issues for the betterment of the marriage.

3. Avoid the Pitfalls of a “Pause Button Marriage”

Relationships are dynamic; they are either growing stronger or drifting apart – they cannot be put on hold. Neglecting the connection with the expectation of simply resuming it later can lead to significant disconnection. Consistent care and nurturing are essential to keep the bond alive. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that there is no “Pause Button” for a marriage.

4. Embrace “Right Action”

Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s also about your actions. Acting in loving and constructive ways can actually lead to feeling more love. Focus on what you can give to the relationship, considering your spouse’s needs alongside your own, rather than solely focusing on what you are receiving. This involves intentionally relating in healthy ways.

5. Re-evaluate Your Perceptions

Misunderstandings often stem from misperceptions. Strive to see your partner through “fairly realistic lenses” and actively try to understand their perspective. Recognizing that everyone has a different way of seeing the world – a different paradigm – is crucial.

6. Shift from Arguing to Understanding

Arguing often becomes a destructive battle of who is right. Instead, make it your goal to understand your spouse’s point of view. Ask questions like, “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. This moves you away from winning and toward understanding.

7. Reconnect with Your Complementarity

Take time to remember what initially attracted you to each other and how your strengths and weaknesses once complemented one another. Focusing on these complementary aspects can help you feel closer again. Sometimes, the very things that now frustrate you were once seen as positive attributes.

8. Make Decisions with the Relationship in Mind

When faced with choices, consciously consider what would be best for the “WE” rather than just individual desires. This approach fosters a stronger sense of being united and “in it together”.

9. Commit to Working Through It

View your commitment as a “True North Star” for your relationship. Approaching this rough patch with the unwavering mindset of “I am in it for the long-haul” will shift your focus towards finding solutions instead of contemplating separation. Dr. Baucom notes that when commitment is the North Star, you design your lives to work through problems.

10. Understand the Ebb and Flow of Emotions

The intense “in love” feelings of the beginning of a relationship naturally evolve over time, shifting from “adrenaline attraction” to “endorphin attraction”. This is a normal and necessary transition, not a sign of failure. Focus on acting lovingly, and the feelings can follow. Don’t rely solely on emotions to navigate your relationship.

11. Consider Healthy Boundaries

While boundaries are often discussed in the context of infidelity prevention, establishing healthy boundaries as a couple can also create a sense of safety and security, which is crucial for navigating difficult times.

By consciously implementing these strategies, rooted in Dr. Lee Baucom’s experienced perspective, you can actively work towards resolving the challenges you are facing and strengthening your marriage to avoid divorce. Remember, even if only one partner begins to make these changes, it can create a positive ripple effect in the relationship. This rough patch doesn’t have to be the end; it can be an opportunity for deeper connection and growth.