Rebuilding Bridges: How to Fix a Relationship Damaged by a Lack of Trust
How can I fix a relationship that’s been damaged by a lack of trust?
A relationship without trust is like a house built on sand – it feels unstable, precarious, and constantly at risk of collapsing. If you’re grappling with the difficult task of repairing a relationship fractured by a lack of trust, know that while the journey is challenging, it is often possible to rebuild those crucial foundations. Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, contends that most relationships are salvageable. His work emphasizes that even if only one partner is initially willing, that individual can begin the process of change and guide the relationship toward healing.
Here’s a comprehensive guide, drawing on key principles from relationship experts like Dr. Baucom, to help you navigate the process of fixing a relationship damaged by a lack of trust:
1. Prioritize Rebuilding Connection:
At its core, a lack of trust often stems from a breakdown in the emotional connection between partners. Therefore, the first crucial step is to consciously work on rebuilding and nurturing this connection. This involves making a deliberate choice to act lovingly towards your partner, even if the feelings of love don’t immediately follow. As Dr. Baucom suggests, acting lovingly can lead to feeling loving.
2. Shift to a “WE” Mentality:
A lack of trust can signify a move from a united partnership to a more individualistic or even adversarial dynamic. Repairing the relationship requires re-establishing a sense of being a team, united and looking out for what is best for the relationship. Decisions should ideally be made based on the question: “What would be best for the relationship?“. Marriage is designed to be a relationship of “WE,” a team connected and focused on the well-being of the union.
3. Understand Underlying Fears:
Relationship problems, including breaches of trust, can often be fueled by unmet needs and the interplay of fears, particularly the fear of intimacy and the fear of abandonment. Understanding these underlying fears can help you respond with more awareness and less reactivity. When trust is broken, the fear of abandonment is often heightened in the betrayed partner, while the partner who broke the trust might be operating from a place of fear (e.g., fear of intimacy leading to distance). Addressing these fears with empathy is crucial.
4. Establish Clear Boundaries:
Establishing clear boundaries is vital for creating a safe space for reconnection and rebuilding trust. When boundaries are absent or blurry, vulnerabilities can arise. Dr. Baucom outlines a four-step process for setting boundaries: Inform, Ask, Tell, and Consequence. This provides a structured way to communicate and reinforce what is acceptable within the relationship.
5. Cultivate Accurate Perception and Clear Communication:
A lack of trust can significantly cloud perceptions and make communication destructive. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Asking “Help me understand how you see it that way?” is a powerful step towards rebuilding understanding and trust. Make an intentional effort to communicate about the relationship itself, including hopes, dreams, concerns, and fears. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that misperception creates more problems than communication itself, and clearing up these misperceptions is key to restoring connection.
6. Practice Benefit of the Doubt and Forgiveness:
When trust is damaged, it’s easy to assume negative intentions. Consciously choosing to give your partner the benefit of the doubt can shift the dynamic towards healing. Similarly, practicing continual forgiveness is important. Forgiveness isn’t just for the other person; it also benefits the forgiver by releasing resentment.
7. Initiate Positive Change:
Recognize that change can begin with just one partner. By shifting your own perceptions and actions, you can influence the dynamic of the relationship. This shift in momentum can create an upward cycle in the relationship. Dr. Baucom stresses that a marriage is a system, and impacting one part (your behavior) will inevitably impact other parts (your partner’s reactions).
8. View Conflicts as Opportunities for Growth:
Relationships go through stages, including conflict. See conflict as an opportunity for progress and for strengthening the “WE” rather than a win-lose battle. Work towards solutions that benefit the relationship as a whole.
9. Remember Love is an Action:
Don’t solely rely on feelings. According to Dr. Baucom, love is an action, and the feeling often follows. Even when you don’t feel “in love,” choosing to act in loving and respectful ways can reignite those emotions. Consider what your partner perceives as loving actions.
10. Consider Professional Guidance:
If rebuilding trust feels overwhelming, seeking help from a relationship coach or therapist can provide valuable tools and guidance. Dr. Baucom’s approach often involves helping individuals work on the relationship even if their spouse is resistant.
It’s important to remember that rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and consistent effort from both partners (if both are engaged in the process). Be prepared for setbacks and focus on small, consistent steps forward. Addressing the underlying causes of the lack of trust, rather than just the symptoms, is crucial for long-term healing. By prioritizing connection, fostering a “WE” mentality, understanding fears, setting boundaries, communicating openly, and acting with intention, you can begin to rebuild the bridges of trust in your relationship.
