Fixing the Respect Deficit: Rebuilding Respect in Your Relationship
How can we fix relationship problems stemming from a lack of respect?
Lack of respect can be a corrosive force in any relationship, slowly eroding the foundation of love and connection. If you find your relationship struggling with this issue, know that it’s a serious problem, but one that can be addressed with conscious effort and the right approach. Drawing on insights from Dr. Lee H. Baucom’s “Save The Marriage” materials, let’s explore how you can begin to fix relationship problems stemming from a lack of respect.
Recognizing the Erosion of “WE”
A key concept in rebuilding respect is understanding the shift from a “You & Me” mentality to a “WE”. When respect diminishes, couples often fall into the trap of focusing on individual needs and keeping a mental “ledger” of who is giving or getting more. This transactional approach undermines the sense of unity and mutual consideration that respect thrives upon.
The Destructive Dynamics: Control and Under/Overfunctioning
Disrespect can manifest in various ways, often linked to power imbalances. Dr. Baucom highlights the Controlled/Controlling dynamic, where one partner attempts to dominate the other, leading to resentment and rebellion. Similarly, the Under/Overfunctioning pattern, where one person takes on more responsibility (emotional or practical) while the other withdraws, can breed resentment and a lack of appreciation, both of which erode respect. Recognizing these patterns in your relationship is the first step toward change.
The Power of Boundaries: Defining How You Will Be Treated
One of the most crucial elements in reclaiming respect is establishing and maintaining boundaries. Boundaries are your “No’s”—what you will not allow to be done to you. They clearly communicate how others can and cannot treat you. When boundaries are weak or non-existent, disrespect can easily take root.
Dr. Baucom outlines a four-step process for setting boundaries:
- Inform: Calmly let the other person know what they have done or are doing. For example, “Do you realize your voice is raised?”.
- Ask: Clearly request that they stop the disrespectful behavior. For instance, “Please don’t raise your voice when you are talking to me”. Maintain a calm tone throughout.
- Tell: Firmly state that the behavior is unacceptable and inform them of the consequence if it continues. For example, “You may not raise your voice at me. If you do not stop, I am leaving the room for a while”.
- Consequence: If the disrespectful behavior persists, immediately follow through with the consequence you stated.
Consistency in enforcing boundaries is key to teaching others how you expect to be treated and regaining lost respect. It’s also vital to set boundaries to protect the “WE” of the relationship – defining what is acceptable and unacceptable for the health of the partnership itself.
Shifting Your Perspective: Understanding Worldviews
Disrespect often arises from a lack of understanding and appreciation for your partner’s perspective or paradigm – their unique way of seeing the world. We tend to assume our view is the “right” one, leading to judgment and disrespect for differing opinions. Instead of arguing to prove who is right, try asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. This fosters understanding, which is a cornerstone of respect. Remember, you can understand someone’s viewpoint without agreeing with it.
Moving Towards “Right Action” and Connection
Respect is also built through Right Action – relating in intentionally healthy and constructive ways, considering your partner’s needs alongside your own, and moving towards the “WE”. When couples have accurate perceptions and communicate clearly, they are more likely to act respectfully. This respectful action, in turn, fosters connection and a sense of being supported and loved.
Practicing Respectful Habits of Mind
Dr. Baucom suggests cultivating certain “Practices” that foster a more respectful environment:
- Practice “Benefit-Of-The-Doubt” Thinking: Instead of immediately assuming negative intent when your partner makes a mistake, give them the benefit of the doubt. This reduces defensiveness and fosters a more compassionate understanding.
- Practice a Sense of Gratitude: Actively look for things to appreciate about your spouse and your relationship. Focusing on gratitude shifts your perspective away from negativity and towards a more positive and respectful outlook.
- Practice Continual Forgiveness: Build forgiveness into the fabric of your relationship. See mistakes as human errors rather than personal attacks, making it easier to let go of hurts and resentments that can fuel disrespect.
What to Avoid: The Futility of Arguing
Trying to force respect through arguing is often counterproductive. Arguing is essentially two people trying to prove they are right, leading to a “tug-of-war” with no winners. Instead, focus on understanding each other’s perspectives.
Taking Action for a More Respectful Future
Rebuilding respect takes time, conscious effort, and a willingness from at least one partner to initiate change. By understanding the dynamics that lead to disrespect, setting clear boundaries, striving for mutual understanding, practicing respectful actions, and adopting positive habits of mind, you can begin to turn the tide and cultivate a relationship built on mutual regard and honor. Remember, even if only one person starts the process, it can shift the dynamic of the entire relationship.
