Tired of Arguing? How to Improve Your Marriage
What can I do to improve my marriage when we argue about everything?
It’s a disheartening place to be when it feels like you and your spouse argue about everything. You’re not alone. As Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching with over 30 years of experience, points out, frequent arguments are a common challenge in marriage. However, the good news is that there are strategies you can implement to improve your marriage and move away from this constant conflict.
Dr. Baucom’s approach emphasizes that changing the way you think about your marriage can have a profound impact. Instead of focusing on blame and resentment, he encourages understanding and personal responsibility. His core belief is that marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth, and challenges can be opportunities to deepen your connection.
So, what practical steps can you take when you feel like you argue about everything? Here are some key principles from Dr. Baucom’s work:
1. Shift from “You and Me” to “WE”: When you argue constantly, it might signify that you and your spouse are functioning more as individuals with competing interests rather than a united team. Dr. Baucom suggests that the failure to make this shift to a “WE” mentality is often at the root of marital struggles. Make decisions and approach life as a united front, considering what is best for the relationship as a whole.
2. Give Up On Arguing: Arguing is often two people trying to prove their own viewpoint as right, leading to a “tug-of-war” where no one truly wins. Instead of arguing, Dr. Baucom recommends asking a powerful question: “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This shifts the focus from winning to understanding your partner’s perspective and worldview. Remember, understanding doesn’t equal agreement.
3. Use Conflict for Progress: Instead of trying to “score points” during a conflict, see disagreements as opportunities to grow the relationship and build your “WE“. Conflict should ideally be “in the service of progress“. Work towards solutions that benefit the partnership.
4. Strive for Accurate Perception: Misunderstandings often arise from interpreting your spouse’s actions through your own lens, not theirs. Work towards a more accurate understanding of your spouse’s worldview and intentions. This can significantly improve communication and reduce arguments. Accurate perception involves understanding your spouse’s paradigm, realizing you interpret actions through your own, and striving for balance with your spouse’s intentions.
5. Practice High Mood Relating: Problems discussed when moods are low can limit perspective and options. Choose to discuss important issues when you are both in a better frame of mind. Instead of focusing on “What’s wrong?”, try asking “What are our options? What is possible here?”.
Beyond Immediate Arguments:
Dr. Baucom also emphasizes several other crucial aspects for a thriving marriage:
- Focus on Mindset and Responsibility: Move away from blame and focus on what you can control – your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses.
- Marriage as a Growth Journey: View challenges as opportunities for personal and relational evolution.
- Love is an Action: Don’t wait for the feeling of love to act lovingly. Act lovingly, and the feeling will often follow.
- The Importance of Connection: Recognize that connection is vital and needs regular nurturing. Disconnection can happen through neglect, not necessarily maliciousness.
- Create Boundaries: Establish agreed-upon boundaries to protect your relationship from outside forces.
- Commitment as a North Star: Approach your marriage with a long-term commitment to working through problems.
It’s important to remember that every marriage has difficulties. The key is how you and your spouse choose to navigate those difficulties. By focusing on becoming a “WE,” prioritizing understanding over winning, and consciously choosing actions that build connection, you can begin to improve your marriage and argue less about everything.
Dr. Baucom has also written books like How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps and Save the Marriage, which delve deeper into these methods and provide practical steps for rebuilding your relationship. You might find these resources helpful in your journey.
