Mending Hearts: Repairing Your Marriage After a Major Argument

How can I repair a marriage after a major argument that hurt us both?

Major arguments in a marriage can feel like earthquakes, shaking the very foundation of your relationship and leaving behind hurt that can linger. It’s natural to feel lost and unsure of how to move forward. However, the good news is that according to the sources, every marriage experiences difficulties. The key lies in how you navigate these challenging times. Repair is possible, and it often starts with a conscious shift in perspective and deliberate action.

One of the most crucial steps in healing after a significant argument is to move from a “You and Me” mindset to a “WE” mentality. This means focusing on what is best for the relationship as a whole. As Dr. Lee Baucom emphasizes, the central trait of failed marriages is the failure to escape the “You/Me Trap”. Instead of viewing the argument as a battle where someone needs to “win,” approach the aftermath with the understanding that “WE are in this together”.

Here are some actionable steps, drawn from the sources, to help you repair your marriage after a major argument:

• Focus on Understanding, Not Winning: Resist the urge to rehash the argument and determine who was “right.” Instead, try to understand your spouse’s perspective. Dr. Baucom suggests asking the powerful question: “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. This shifts the focus from winning the argument to genuinely grasping your partner’s worldview. Remember, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing. Everyone has a different way of seeing the world, a different paradigm.
• Take Responsibility for Your Part: A significant aspect of repairing a marriage involves changing the way individuals think about their marriage, moving away from blame and resentment toward understanding and personal responsibility. Focus on what you can control – your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses – rather than trying to change your partner.
• Act Lovingly, Even if You Don’t Feel It: Even if loving feelings are overshadowed by hurt, acting lovingly can lead to loving feelings. Love is an action, and the emotion often follows. Consider what actions would show your spouse that you care and want to mend the hurt. You could even ask your spouse how they best feel loved.
• Recognize and Address Disconnection: A major argument is often a sign of disconnection. Relationships follow a trajectory of connection or disconnection. To repair, consciously choose to reconnect with your spouse. This involves a deliberate effort to move toward each other. Remember, there is no “Pause Button” for a marriage; connection either grows or recedes.
• Give Up Arguing as a Method: Dr. Baucom states that arguing is generally unproductive in a marriage and is like a “tug-of-war” with no winners. Instead of arguing, focus on understanding each other’s perspectives.
• Make Decisions for the “WE”: Moving forward, strive to make decisions based on what is good for the relationship. This reinforces the “WE” mentality and creates a sense of shared purpose. When faced with choices, ask yourself: “What would be best for the relationship?”.
• One Person Can Initiate Change: Even if only one partner actively works on saving the marriage, that individual can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing. Your desire to repair the relationship is a crucial first step. When one person relates differently, the other has to begin to relate differently.
• Focus on Accurate Perception: While communication is important, it is often secondary to underlying perceptions. Work on clearing up misperceptions and striving for an accurate understanding of your spouse’s worldview. Clear communication evolves from accurate perception.
• Remember Marriage is a Growth Journey: Understand that marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth, and challenges can be opportunities to deepen your connection. View conflict not just as a problem, but as a point of potential evolution.

It’s important to remember that healing takes time and effort. By focusing on understanding, acting lovingly, prioritizing the “WE,” and taking personal responsibility, you can begin to mend the hurt caused by the argument and move toward a stronger and more connected marriage. Don’t underestimate the power of a single partner’s commitment to initiate positive change.