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How to Save a Failing Marriage

How to Save a Failing Marriage When Your Spouse is Considering Leaving

How can I save a failing marriage when my spouse is considering leaving?

It’s a moment filled with fear and uncertainty when you realize your marriage is in serious trouble and your spouse is contemplating leaving. You’re likely feeling lost and desperate, wondering if there’s anything you can do. Take a deep breath. According to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of over 30 years in marriage therapy and relationship coaching, most relationships are salvageable, and crucially, one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing, even if the other is resistant or disengaged.

This blog post will guide you through some key principles from Dr. Baucom’s “Save the Marriage” system and his insights on why marriages get into trouble, offering a path forward even in this challenging situation.

1. Embrace the Power of One: You Can Initiate Change Dr. Baucom’s philosophy offers a beacon of hope: you don’t need both partners to be immediately on board to start turning things around. By focusing on your own actions, attitudes, and understanding of the marital dynamic, you can create a ripple effect that influences the entire system of your relationship.

2. Shift from “You and Me” to a United “WE” One of the primary reasons marriages falter is the failure to evolve from two individuals with separate agendas into a cohesive “WE,” a true team. When couples operate in a “You and Me” or even a “You versus Me” mindset, they become focused on their individual needs and what they are “getting” from the relationship. Instead, consciously strive to make decisions based on what is best for the relationship as a whole. Cultivating this sense of shared identity and common purpose is vital.

3. Dig Deeper: Understand the Root Issues, Not Just the Symptoms The reasons your spouse is considering leaving are likely symptoms of deeper disconnection. Perhaps unhappiness, frequent arguments, or a feeling of growing apart are present. However, Dr. Baucom suggests that the underlying cause is often neglect rather than maliciousness. Try to understand the trajectory of your disconnection, perhaps it began with a shift in focus from “What can I give?” to “What am I getting?“. Identifying these patterns is crucial. Infidelity, for example, is often a symptom of disconnection and a lack of boundaries, not the core problem itself.

4. Take Radical Responsibility for Your Part It’s natural to want to point fingers when a marriage is failing. However, Dr. Baucom emphasizes the power of changing how you think about your marriage and moving away from blame. Focus on what you can control: your own behavior, your reactions, and your mindset. Instead of dwelling on what you feel you’re lacking, proactively ask yourself, “What can I give?” to the relationship. This shift in focus can be transformative.

5. Actively Rebuild Connection Through Loving Actions Disconnection can feel automatic, but reconnection requires a conscious choice to act on love. Move towards your spouse, act lovingly, and intentionally work on rebuilding the emotional bond. Remember, love is an action, and the feeling often follows. Instead of constantly questioning if you’re “in love,” ask yourself, “How do I love (action) him/her?” Discover how your spouse best feels loved – perhaps by considering past expressions of love or, most directly, by simply asking them.

6. Be Mindful of the “Pause Button Marriage” Myth Many couples mistakenly believe they can put their marriage “on pause” while focusing on other priorities like careers or raising children, only to find the connection has withered. Dr. Baucom stresses that there is no pause button for a marriage. Connection either grows or recedes; it never stays static.

7. Consider the Three Simple Secrets to a Successful Marriage:

  • Give Up On Arguing: Instead of trying to be right, focus on understanding your spouse’s perspective. Ask “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. Understanding doesn’t equal agreement, but it opens the door for connection.
  • Focus on the Complementarity: Remember how your strengths and weaknesses balanced each other, what initially attracted you. Often, the very traits that now frustrate you were once seen as complementary.
  • Make Decisions Based On What Is Good For the Relationship (the WE): When faced with choices, ask yourself, “What would be best for the relationship?” This forces you to consider the needs of the unit rather than just individual desires.

8. Be Aware of Underlying Fears and Practice Positive Thinking The fears of abandonment and intimacy can fuel disconnection. Understanding these dynamics can help you respond more thoughtfully rather than reactively. Consciously practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking, assuming positive intentions from your spouse, and cultivate gratitude for the good things that still exist in your relationship.

9. “Act As If” to Rekindle Feelings When emotions seem to be missing, instead of dwelling on the lack, begin treating your spouse as if you do love them. Engaging in loving actions can often lead to the return of those feelings. Create a list of ways you would act if you felt loving and start implementing them.

10. Shift Your Focus to Options and Possibilities Instead of getting stuck in the cycle of what’s wrong, ask, “What are our options? What is possible here?“. This shifts the focus from problems to potential solutions and can help you see existing strengths within the relationship.

11. Embrace Marriage as a Journey of Growth and Evolution View the challenges you are facing not as the end, but as opportunities for deeper connection and personal and relational growth. Decide to not just grow, but evolve as a couple, adapting to new stages and circumstances.

Important Considerations:

  • Abuse: If there is any physical or emotional abuse, your safety is the top priority. Seek help and safety immediately. This advice is for non-abusive situations.
  • Professional Help: While Dr. Baucom emphasizes the power of one person’s initiative, seeking professional help, such as therapy aimed at clearing up misperceptions rather than just communication, can also be beneficial. Dr. Baucom also offers resources and coaching.
  • Commitment: Ultimately, Dr. Baucom considers commitment to be the truest “North Star” of a relationship. Approaching the situation with a mindset of being “in it for the long-haul” can significantly change how you navigate the challenges.

Saving a failing marriage when your spouse is considering leaving is a significant undertaking. It requires effort, a shift in perspective, and a commitment to changing your own approach. By understanding Dr. Baucom’s principles and focusing on what you can do, you can begin the journey toward healing and potentially creating the marriage you both truly desire. Remember, you have the power to initiate positive change.



 Ready to Invest in Your Marriage?

If you’re serious about saving your marriage and creating a relationship filled with love, connection, and mutual respect, we encourage you to learn more about Dr. Lee Baucom’s “Save The Marriage System.”

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