Rebuilding After the Shattered Vase: Practical Tips to Save Your Marriage After Broken Trust

What are some practical tips to save your marriage when trust has been broken?

It’s one of the most painful experiences a marriage can face: the shattering of trust. Whether through infidelity, lies, or broken promises, the foundation of the relationship can feel irrevocably damaged. You might be wondering if it’s even possible to piece things back together. According to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching with over 30 years of experience, it is possible to rebuild and save your marriage, even when trust has been broken.

Think of trust like a precious vase that has been shattered. You can’t just glue it back together and expect it to be the same immediately. It takes time, careful effort, and a willingness from both sides (even if only one starts) to create something new and even stronger.

Valuable insights from Dr. Baucom’s philosophy can lead to practical tips for navigating this difficult journey:

• Understand the “Why” Behind the Break: Dr. Baucom believes that marriage problems, including those leading to broken trust like infidelity, often stem from disconnection and neglect, not necessarily malice. Asking yourself and potentially your partner what led to the break is a crucial first step. Was there a growing distance? Did one person feel unheard or unappreciated?. Identifying these underlying issues is vital for preventing future problems.
  
• Focus on Rebuilding Connection: Broken trust deeply damages the “WE” of a marriage, the sense of unity where the couple sees themselves as an indivisible team. Therefore, consciously working to reconnect emotionally is vital. This can involve spending quality time together, actively listening to each other’s feelings (even the painful ones), and showing genuine care and concern. Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of moving from “You and Me” to “WE”.
  
• Take “Right Action”: Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of “Right Action” in a successful marriage. When trust is broken, this means consistently behaving in trustworthy ways. For the person who broke the trust, this involves being completely honest, transparent, and taking responsibility for their actions. For the person whose trust was broken, it means being open to the possibility of healing, while also setting clear boundaries about what is needed to feel safe again.
  
• Establish Clear Boundaries: Infidelity, a major cause of broken trust, is often linked to a lack of boundaries. Dr. Baucom suggests that clear boundaries act as protection for the relationship. After trust is broken, it’s essential to discuss and agree on new boundaries to prevent further breaches and to create a sense of security. This could involve boundaries around communication with others, shared activities, or personal space. Boundaries define what one will not allow to be done to them, teaching others how to treat them.
  
• “Act As If”: Dr. Baucom mentions the powerful technique of “Acting as if…”. Even if the feelings of trust aren’t there yet, acting as if you are working towards rebuilding trust can actually help those feelings return. This means engaging in behaviors that demonstrate trustworthiness and openness, even when it feels difficult.
  
• Give Up on Blame and Arguing: Dr. Baucom advises couples to give up on arguing. While hurt and anger are natural after a breach of trust, getting stuck in endless arguments and blame will only hinder healing. Instead, focus on understanding each other’s perspectives by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Arguing is often an unproductive “tug-of-war” that rarely leads to understanding.
  
• Understand That Feelings Follow Action: Dr. Baucom believes that “Love is an action. The feeling follows”. The same principle applies to trust. By consistently taking trustworthy actions, the feeling of trust can gradually be rebuilt over time. Don’t wait for the feeling of trust to return before you start acting in trustworthy ways.
  
• Seek Help (If Needed): While Dr. Baucom’s system emphasizes that one person can start the process of change, sometimes the pain of broken trust is deep, and professional guidance can be beneficial. Therapists who understand marital dynamics can provide tools and strategies for navigating this difficult process.
  

Remember, rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. There will likely be ups and downs. Dr. Baucom’s approach offers hope by suggesting that your individual efforts to change the dynamic of the relationship can have a significant impact, even if your spouse isn’t immediately on board. By focusing on understanding the issues, reconnecting, taking the right actions, and establishing healthy boundaries, you can begin the journey towards healing and potentially creating an even stronger marriage.