Navigating the Storm Together: Saving Your Relationship When Overwhelm Strikes

What are the best ways to save your relationship when we’re both feeling overwhelmed?

Life can feel like a relentless barrage sometimes. Work demands, family responsibilities, financial pressures – it’s not uncommon for both partners in a relationship to feel completely overwhelmed at the same time. When you’re both struggling under the weight of external stressors, your relationship can inadvertently take a backseat, leading to disconnection and strain. But take heart, this is a challenge you can face and overcome together. According to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, most relationships are salvageable, and by shifting your approach, you can navigate this overwhelming period and even emerge stronger.

Here are some of the best ways to save your relationship when you’re both feeling overwhelmed, drawing on Dr. Baucom’s principles:

• Recognize and Reaffirm the “WE”: Dr. Baucom emphasizes the critical shift from a “You and Me” mentality to a “WE”. Overwhelm can make you feel isolated in your struggles, but consciously shifting back to a sense of unity is crucial. This means making decisions based on what’s good for the relationship as a whole, rather than solely on individual desires. Remind yourselves that you are a team facing these challenges together. As Baucom notes, a couple who becomes a “WE” perseveres through tough times by standing together as a unit.
  
• Prioritize Conscious Connecting: Overwhelm often leads to unintentional disconnection. Dr. Baucom considers connection the “lifeblood” of a marriage. Make a conscious effort to reconnect, even in small ways. This could involve setting aside dedicated time for each other, even if it’s just for a few minutes, or simply being more present in your everyday interactions. Remember, there is no “pause button” on a relationship; connection either grows or recedes.
  
• Lead with “Right Action” Over Feelings: When you’re both overwhelmed, you might not feel like connecting or being loving. However, Dr. Baucom suggests that love is an action, and the feeling often follows. Engage in loving actions towards your spouse, even when you don’t feel particularly loving at the moment. This isn’t about faking it, but about consciously choosing loving actions, which can then fuel loving feelings and rebuild connection.
  
• Communicate with Intentionality About the Relationship: While you’re likely communicating about the sources of your overwhelm (work, finances, etc.), make sure you are also communicating intentionally about your relationship within this context. Discuss how the overwhelm is affecting both of you individually and as a couple. Brainstorm solutions together as a “WE”. Remember to approach these conversations with a mindset of understanding your partner’s perspective rather than trying to “win” an argument.
  
• Shift to “High Mood Relating”: When you’re both in a low mood due to overwhelm, trying to solve relationship problems can be counterproductive. Instead of focusing on what’s “wrong,” try to approach the situation by exploring your options together. This can help shift your perspective from problem-focused to solution-oriented.
  
• Revisit Your Shared Commitment: Dr. Baucom considers commitment the true “North Star” of a relationship. Remind yourselves of the initial commitment you made to each other and your desire to work through challenges together. This shared commitment can provide a strong foundation for navigating the overwhelm.
  
• Recognize and Break the Downward Cycle: Overwhelm can easily contribute to a cycle of disconnection. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to breaking it. Make a conscious decision to act lovingly and reconnect, thus initiating an upward cycle instead.
  
• Actively Resist the “Pause Button Marriage”: Dr. Baucom warns against the idea that you can put your relationship “on pause” while dealing with other life stressors. Overwhelm can lead to neglecting the relationship, which can cause it to weaken. Actively work to ensure the connection is maintained, even amidst other pressures. There is no “pause button” for a marriage; it needs regular and consistent care.
  
• Identify and Move Beyond Power Struggles: Overwhelm can sometimes manifest as a power struggle, where each partner feels out of control. Dr. Baucom suggests that power struggles are often a symptom of a missing “WE”. Focus on cooperation and shared decision-making to dissolve these struggles. Remember, the goal is progress for the “WE,” not winning as individuals.
  
• Focus on What You Can Give, Not Just What You’re Getting: When overwhelmed, it’s easy to focus on what you feel you’re lacking in the relationship. However, Dr. Baucom highlights the transformative power of shifting your focus from “What am I getting?” to “What can I give?”. This shift can reignite connection and move you back towards a “WE”.
  

By implementing these strategies, you and your partner can actively work to save your relationship even when you’re both feeling overwhelmed. Remember that even small, consistent efforts grounded in the principles of unity, connection, and intentional action can create positive momentum and help you navigate the storm together.