Is My Marriage Worth Saving After Years of Unhappiness? You Might Be Surprised.
Is my marriage worth saving if we’ve been unhappy for years?
That knot in your stomach. The constant feeling of distance. The question that keeps echoing in your mind: “Is my marriage worth saving if we’ve been unhappy for years?” It’s a heavy question, one that many couples facing long-term dissatisfaction grapple with. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
But before you resign yourself to a future of separate paths, let’s consider what the expert, Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of over 30 years in marriage therapy and relationship coaching, has to say. According to Dr. Baucom, whose work focuses on helping couples facing serious marital challenges, the answer might be more hopeful than you currently believe.
Dr. Baucom contends that most relationships are salvageable. He believes that many couples choose the “easy way out” rather than actively seeking workable solutions to preserve and heal their marriage.
Focus on Now, Not Just Then:
It’s natural to look back at years of unhappiness and feel overwhelmed. However, Dr. Baucom emphasizes that what has happened in the past is far less important than what you do now. While understanding the roots of your marital troubles is helpful, the critical focus should be on taking steps towards a better relationship today.
Beyond Staying or Leaving: The “Third Option”
Often, couples feel trapped in a binary choice: continue in an unhappy marriage or divorce. Dr. Baucom points out that there is often a crucial “third option”: actively working on the marriage and healing it. He has witnessed this transformation countless times over his decades of work.
Understanding the Roots of Unhappiness:
To move forward, it’s vital to understand why the unhappiness took root in the first place. Dr. Baucom suggests that marital problems often stem from neglect, not maliciousness, and a lack of connection. Confusing the symptoms of these underlying issues with the core problems can lead to ineffective attempts to fix the marriage.
The Power of “WE”:
A cornerstone of Dr. Baucom’s approach is the concept of moving from a “You and Me” mentality to a “WE”. This involves functioning as a team with a shared sense of identity, making decisions based on what is best for the relationship as a whole. Years of unhappiness can indicate that this “WE” was never fully established or has eroded over time.
Love as an Action, Not Just a Feeling:
If you’ve been unhappy for years, it’s likely that the initial feelings of “being in love” have faded. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that love is an action, and the feeling often follows. Instead of solely focusing on whether you “feel” in love, the focus should shift to acting lovingly towards your spouse.
One Person Can Ignite Change:
Feeling stuck when your partner seems unwilling to change is a common barrier. However, Dr. Baucom highlights that one partner can begin the process of change and lead the marriage toward healing. When one person starts relating differently, the other often has to respond differently.
Reconnection is Possible:
Unhappy marriages often follow a trajectory of disconnection. But the good news is that reconnection is possible at various stages, although it requires conscious effort and energy, especially the longer the disconnection has persisted.
Busting the “Pause Button” Myth:
Many couples inadvertently put their relationship on the back burner while focusing on other life demands, believing they can simply pick up where they left off. Dr. Baucom stresses that there is no “pause button” for a marriage. It requires continuous nurturing and attention.
Shifting Your “North Star”:
The guiding principles of your relationship (“North Stars”) matter. If your marriage has been ориентирован solely on constant happiness (a “false North Star”), years of unhappiness might feel like a definitive sign of failure. Shifting to “true North Stars” like commitment, self-improvement, being a team, and a desire to grow old together can provide a stronger foundation for navigating difficulties.
Addressing Underlying Issues, Not Just Symptoms:
Problems like infidelity are often symptoms of deeper issues like disconnection and a lack of boundaries. Addressing these root causes is crucial for lasting positive change.
Aim for Evolution, Not Just Growth:
Dr. Baucom encourages couples to aim for evolution in their relationship – a significant leap forward – rather than just gradual improvement. This mindset can inspire more profound and lasting change.
Take the First Step:
If you’re wondering if your marriage is worth saving, consider this: Dr. Baucom’s entire “Save the Marriage” system is built on the belief that it often is. It emphasizes understanding the dynamics at play and taking action, even if you feel like you’re the only one willing to try.
Years of unhappiness don’t have to be the final chapter. By understanding the underlying issues, shifting your perspective, focusing on loving actions, and working towards reconnecting as a “WE,” you might find that the marriage you thought was beyond repair has the potential for a new, happier beginning.
Consider exploring resources like Dr. Baucom’s books and online programs for practical steps and guidance on this journey. You owe it to yourself and your marriage to explore the possibility of that “third option” – the option of healing and creating the marriage you both deserve.
