Feeling Alone in Your Love Problems? Here’s What You CAN Do

What can I do about love problems when my partner seems uninterested?

It’s a painful reality: you’re facing challenges in your relationship, but your partner seems distant, uninterested, or unwilling to engage. You might feel helpless, wondering if there’s anything you can do on your own. The good news, according to Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is you absolutely can start the process of saving your marriage, even if only you want to!.

This might seem counterintuitive, especially when traditional advice often emphasizes the need for both partners to work together. However, the sources provide a refreshing perspective and actionable steps you can take.

1. Recognize That You’re Not Powerless:

It’s easy to feel like a victim when your partner seems checked out. But Dr. Baucom’s approach emphasizes that a marriage is a system. If one part of the system changes, the other parts must also change. Think of it like an algebra equation: altering one side necessitates a change on the other. Kelly, in the example provided, started the process of saving her marriage while Greg was still intent on divorce. Her actions initiated a shift.

2. Understand the Pitfalls of Common Advice:

Before you try more of the same, recognize what the sources say won’t necessarily help:

• Simply learning more communication skills: If your marriage is deeply troubled, better communication might just lead to more effective fighting. Communication is like plumbing; if it’s connected to a sewer (underlying issues), that’s what you’ll get.
• Assuming there’s only one “path” to happiness: Every marriage crisis is different and has distinct stages. What’s helpful at one stage can be harmful at another.
• Believing you can’t start if your spouse isn’t interested: Dr. Baucom’s techniques work even if your spouse has “given up”. His strategies are likened to “relationship Judo,” using negative energy to turn things around.
• Thinking time heals all: This is called a damaging myth. Neglecting the relationship allows negative momentum to build, making it harder to recover. It’s critical to take action now.

3. Focus on Identifying the Stage of Crisis:

The sources emphasize that knowing exactly which stage of marriage crisis you are facing is crucial. This understanding will infinitely better prepare you to move forward effectively. Attempting the right thing at the wrong time can cause more problems.

4. Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”:

A key characteristic of failing marriages is the “You/Me Trap,” where each partner focuses on what they are getting out of the relationship, like a balance sheet. Successful relationships move to “WE,” where the focus is on what’s good for the relationship as a whole. Marriage isn’t 50/50, but 100/100, where sometimes one gives more, and sometimes the other.

5. Understand Underlying Dynamics:

Consider if patterns like power struggles, where both partners fight for control, or under/overfunctioning, where one partner consistently takes on more responsibility, are at play. These patterns undermine the “WE” in the relationship. Recognize your role in these patterns.

6. Implement the Recipe for a Successful Marriage:

Dr. Baucom outlines three core ingredients:

• Accurate Perception: Strive to understand your spouse’s worldview and recognize that you interpret their actions through your own paradigm, which might be flawed. Work to be intentional in your awareness of your own perceptions.
• Clear Communication: This evolves from accurate perception and requires Time, Intentionality, and Execution (TIE). Make a conscious effort to relate about your relationship, not just schedules and kids.
• Right Action: This means relating in intentionally healthy ways, taking your spouse’s needs into balance with your own, moving towards “WE”. It sometimes requires acting lovingly regardless of your current emotions.

When these three elements interact, they lead to connection, understanding, and direction in the relationship.

7. Find Your Relationship’s “North Star”:

Identify the guiding principles of your relationship. False North Stars are often based on external factors like happiness. True North Stars are within your control, such as self-improvement, spiritual growth, being a team, growing old together, and becoming everything each can be. Commitment is presented as the truest North Star. When commitment is your guide, you focus on working through problems.

8. Embrace the Three Simple Secrets:

• Give Up Arguing: Arguing is a tug-of-war with no winners. Instead, try asking: “Help me understand how you see it that way?” This shifts the focus to understanding your partner’s paradigm. Remember, you can understand without agreeing.
• Remember Your Complementarity: Recall what initially attracted you to each other and how your strengths balance their weaknesses, and vice versa. Often, the things that now frustrate you were once seen as complementary.
• Make Decisions Based on What Is Good for the Relationship: Instead of focusing solely on “Me” or “You,” ask: “What would be best for the relationship (the WE)?”. This fosters a stronger sense of being “in it together”.

9. Shift the Momentum:

Relationships have momentum, moving in either a positive or negative direction. You can change this momentum through shifts in thought/perception and action. A relationship shift can begin with only one person making a change in perception. When you relate differently, your partner has to respond differently.

10. Focus on Loving Actions, Not Just Feelings:

Instead of constantly asking yourself if you’re still “in love” (an emotion that ebbs and flows), focus on how you can actively show love. Ask yourself: “What can I do to show my love?”. Recognize that people feel loved in different ways (words, touch, deeds, gifts). Ask your partner how they best feel loved. You can also try “acting as if” you feel loving, as feelings often follow action.

11. Understand and Address Underlying Emotions:

If your partner responds with anger, remember it’s often a secondary emotion masking primary hurts and unmet needs. Try to move beyond the anger to understand the true primary emotion.

12. Consider Setting Healthy Boundaries:

Boundaries define where you begin and end. In a struggling relationship, it’s important to maintain your own identity and well-being. Dr. Baucom outlines four steps for setting boundaries: Inform, Ask, Tell, and Consequence.

13. Practice Benefit-of-the-Doubt and Gratitude:

Consciously choose to assume a positive or neutral stance towards your partner’s actions (Benefit-of-the-Doubt). Actively look for things to be grateful for in your partner and the relationship. This can shift your perception in a positive direction.

14. Understand the Journey to Intimacy:

The path to true intimacy involves stages: Pseudo-Intimacy (superficial connection), Chaos (discovering differences and struggling), Emptiness (feeling lost and disconnected), and finally, Intimacy (appreciation of differences). Recognize that the stage of Emptiness is often a point where relationships are abandoned, but it lies just before true intimacy. Decide to “hang in” and accept your partner for who they are.

15. Relate from a High Mood:

Choose to address important issues when you are not in a low mood, as low moods limit perspective. Instead of focusing on “What’s wrong?”, try asking “What are our options? What is possible here?”.

16. Live in the Present:

Avoid getting trapped in past hurts or future anxieties. Focus on truly listening and appreciating what is happening in the present moment within your relationship.

17. Remember “WE” in All Aspects:

Whether it’s sex or money, these sensitive areas are often impacted by the overall “WE” of the relationship. Address problems with the “WE” first. In sexual intimacy, remember it’s about connection, not just intercourse. With finances, aim to see money as a tool for the couple’s evolution.

The Takeaway:

Even when your partner seems uninterested, you are not without agency. By understanding the dynamics of marital crises and implementing these strategies, you can begin to shift the momentum of your relationship. It takes courage and consistent effort, but remember Kelly’s story: one person can be the catalyst for change. Start with small, manageable steps and focus on your own actions and perceptions. You might be surprised by the ripple effect it creates.