Navigating the Silence: Marital Advice for Times of Emotional Distance

What marital advice can help us through a period of emotional distance?

That feeling of being adrift in your marriage, the silence that stretches beyond words – emotional distance can be a painful and isolating experience. If you’re going through a period where the connection and warmth have faded, know that you’re not alone, and more importantly, there are steps you can take to bridge that gap. Drawing on the insights of Dr. Lee H. Baucom from his “Save The Marriage” system, let’s explore some marital advice that can help you navigate this challenging time and rediscover closeness.

One of the first things to understand is that emotional distance often doesn’t appear overnight; it builds slowly over time, frequently stemming from neglect. Life gets in the way, and crucial attention to the marital relationship dwindles. This can lead to a gradual erosion of the connection and the capacity to form a substantial relationship. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards reversing it.

Instead of focusing on the distance itself, Dr. Baucom emphasizes shifting your perspective and actions. Here’s some guidance from his approach:

• Move from “You & Me” to “WE”: A core characteristic of struggling marriages is getting caught in the “You/Me Trap,” where each partner is primarily concerned with what they are personally getting out of the relationship. Successful marriages, on the other hand, have moved to a “WE” mentality, where the focus is on the well-being of the relationship as a whole. Consciously try to shift your focus from individual needs in isolation to what benefits the “WE” of your marriage.
  
• Focus on Accurate Perception, Clear Communication, and Right Action: These are the three key ingredients for a successful marriage. During emotional distance, perceptions can become skewed, communication ineffective, and actions misdirected.
  
  • Work on accurate perception by trying to understand your spouse’s worldview and recognizing that you interpret their actions through your own lens.
  • Strive for clear communication, which requires time, intentionality, and execution (TIE). Make a conscious effort to talk about your relationship, beyond schedules and kids.
  • Practice right action, which involves acting in intentionally healthy ways and considering your spouse’s needs in balance with your own, moving towards the “WE”. Sometimes, this means acting lovingly regardless of your current emotional state.
• Don’t get stuck on emotions; take action: Love is often mistakenly linked solely to emotion. When emotional distance sets in, questioning your feelings can lead to more doubt. Instead, shift the focus from “do I still love him/her?” to “how do I love him/her?” (action). Treat your spouse as if you love them, and often, the feelings will follow. Ask your spouse how they best feel loved.
  
• Understand the dance of connection and distance: Every relationship navigates the space between the fear of intimacy and the fear of abandonment. During emotional distance, these fears might be heightened, leading to a push-pull dynamic. Recognize that you and your spouse may have different needs for connection and distance at different times.
  
• Practice Benefit-of-the-Doubt thinking: When emotionally distant, it’s easy to interpret your spouse’s actions negatively. Cultivate a practice of giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Understand that most people operate first out of self-interest, not necessarily with the intention to hurt you.
  
• Cultivate gratitude: Ingratitude can fuel a downward cycle in a relationship. Consciously look for things to be thankful for in your spouse and your relationship. This can shift your perception and foster a more caring and loving environment.
  
• Navigate the stages towards intimacy: According to Dr. Baucom, true intimacy involves moving through stages, including “Pseudo-Intimacy,” “Chaos,” and “Emptiness”. The stage of “Emptiness,” where you might feel disconnected and unsure what to do, often precedes true intimacy. The key is to decide to hang in, believe things can improve, re-energize the relationship, and move towards acceptance of your spouse for who they are.
  
• Choose “High Mood Relating”: You have a choice in how you relate. When emotionally distant, low moods can dominate. Consciously choose to relate from a higher mood by focusing on options and possibilities rather than dwelling on problems. Try not to let past hurts dictate the present moment.
  

It’s important to remember that a marriage can recover, and the path back is predictable. It might take time and effort to re-establish balance, but by focusing on these principles and taking conscious action, you can begin to bridge the emotional distance and create a stronger, more connected relationship. Dr. Baucom’s work emphasizes that change can begin even if only one partner is initially willing to make an effort, as shifts in one part of the marital system can impact the whole. Take the first step today towards a closer tomorrow.