Bridging the Divide: Reducing Marital Strife Caused by Differing Parenting Styles

How can we reduce marital strife caused by our differing parenting styles?

Parenting is a journey filled with joy, challenges, and a whole lot of decisions. When you embark on this journey with a partner, you bring your own unique backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences to the table. It’s natural that these differences can sometimes lead to disagreements about the best way to raise your children. When these disagreements become frequent and intense, they can create significant marital strife.

According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, a relationship coach and marriage expert, conflicts in marriage are common, and sometimes even escalate to constant battles over small issues. While it’s tempting to think that better communication skills will solve these problems, Dr. Baucom suggests that if your marriage is truly troubled, simply learning to communicate better might only equip you to fight more effectively. The root of the issue often lies deeper, in how we perceive each other and the situation.

So, how can you, as a couple, navigate these differing parenting styles and reduce the resulting marital tension? Here are some insights drawn from Dr. Baucom’s “Save The Marriage” materials:

1. Understand Your Underlying Paradigms:

• Dr. Baucom explains that we all operate from our own “paradigm,” which is a model or way of seeing the world. Our paradigms are shaped by our life experiences, gender, age, education, and many other factors.
• Recognize that your parenting style and your spouse’s are both valid within your individual paradigms. Neither of you is inherently “right” or “wrong,” just different.
• Make it a “research project” to understand your partner’s worldview when it comes to parenting. Ask questions like, “Help me understand why you see it that way?”. Understanding their perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, but it’s the first step towards finding common ground.

2. Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”:

• Marital strife often arises when couples are focused on what “I” think is best versus what “You” think is best. Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of moving towards a “WE” mentality.
• Think about what is best for your children and your family unit as a whole, rather than solely focusing on individual preferences. This requires a shift in perspective, making decisions based on what is good for the relationship and the family.

3. Give Up Arguing and Seek Understanding:

• Arguing is often a “tug-of-war” with no winners. Instead of trying to convince your spouse that your way is the only correct way, focus on understanding their perspective.
• When disagreements arise about parenting, avoid getting entrenched in who is “right.” Instead, ask clarifying questions and genuinely listen to your partner’s reasoning.

4. Practice “Benefit-Of-The-Doubt” Thinking:

• Dr. Baucom suggests consciously adopting a “Benefit-Of-The-Doubt” mindset. In the context of parenting disagreements, try to assume your partner’s intentions are good, even if you disagree with their approach.
• Recognize that most people operate first out of self-interest and second out of interest for those closest to them. Your partner’s parenting choices are likely rooted in their desire to do what they believe is best for your child.

5. Focus on “Right Action” for the Family:

• “Right Action,” as Dr. Baucom describes it, is about relating in intentionally healthy ways and taking the other’s needs into balance with your own, ultimately pulling the couple toward “WE”.
• In parenting, this means considering your spouse’s concerns and perspectives when making decisions, even if you don’t fully agree. It’s about finding a balanced approach that respects both parents and serves the children’s best interests.

6. Recognize Potential “Chaos” and Move Towards “Intimacy”:

• Dr. Baucom outlines stages in a relationship, including “Chaos,” where differences become apparent and couples may struggle. Differing parenting styles can certainly trigger this stage.
• The goal is to move towards “Intimacy,” which involves an appreciation of differences and an understanding that these differences can actually add strength to the relationship. Embrace the idea that your different perspectives can offer a more well-rounded approach to raising your children.

7. See Your Spouse as a “Mystery to Be Lived,” Not a “Problem to Be Solved”:

• When caught in conflict, it’s easy to see your spouse’s parenting style as a problem that needs fixing. Dr. Baucom suggests a different approach: see your spouse as a “mystery to be lived”.
• This encourages curiosity, understanding, and a willingness to explore different perspectives rather than trying to impose your own as the sole solution.

Navigating differing parenting styles requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to working together as a team. By recognizing the influence of your individual paradigms, focusing on the well-being of your family unit, and prioritizing understanding over arguing, you can bridge the divide and reduce marital strife, creating a more harmonious environment for both yourselves and your children. Remember, transforming your relationship is possible, even if only one person starts the process.