Getting the Most Out of Marriage Counseling: Asking the Right Questions (According to Dr. Lee Baucom’s Wisdom)

What are some good marriage counseling questions to ask to get the most out of our sessions?

Marriage counseling can be a powerful tool for navigating the complexities of your relationship. However, simply showing up isn’t enough. To truly benefit, it’s essential to come prepared with questions that delve beneath the surface. Drawing on the insights of Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy known for his solution-based and sometimes unconventional approaches, let’s explore some key questions to ask in your marriage counseling sessions to maximize their effectiveness.

Dr. Baucom, the creator of the Save the Marriage system, emphasizes that many traditional marriage counseling methods fall short by focusing too heavily on surface-level communication issues. He believes that the core problems often lie in deeper emotional and psychological dynamics, such as misperceptions and the failure to truly become a “WE“. Therefore, the questions you ask should aim to uncover these underlying issues rather than just rehashing arguments.

Here are some categories of questions, inspired by Dr. Baucom’s perspective, to help you get the most out of your marriage counseling sessions:

• Understanding the “WE”: Dr. Baucom stresses the importance of a couple functioning as a unit, a “WE,” rather than just two individuals living separate lives. Ask questions that explore this:
  
  • “Dr. Baucom talks about becoming a ‘WE.’ How do we each understand what being a ‘WE’ means in our marriage?”
  • “Can we identify recent decisions where we prioritized ‘me’ or ‘you’ over what was best for ‘us’ as a couple?”
  • “In what ways can we better support each other’s individual strengths to contribute to our ‘WE’?”
  • “What fears – perhaps about losing our individual identity or feeling too dependent – might be hindering our ability to fully embrace the ‘WE’?”
• Addressing Misperceptions: According to Dr. Baucom, misperception, not just miscommunication, is often at the heart of marital problems. Consider asking:
  
  • “What assumptions do I frequently make about your intentions or feelings that might be inaccurate?”
  • “Can you help me understand your perspective on [a specific issue] even if we don’t see eye-to-eye?”
  • “How might our individual ‘worldviews’ or ‘paradigms’ be influencing how we interpret each other’s actions?”
• Focusing on Action and Connection: Dr. Baucom emphasizes that love is an action, and consistent connection is vital for a thriving marriage. Move beyond just talking about feelings with questions like:
  
  • “Instead of just discussing our disconnection, what specific actions can we each commit to this week to actively show love and rebuild our connection?”
  • “What are some small, consistent ways we can nurture our connection on a daily basis, moving away from what Dr. Baucom calls a ‘pause-button marriage’?”
  • “When we feel distant, what are some conscious steps we can take to choose to reconnect?”
  • “How can we shift our focus from ‘What am I getting out of this relationship?’ to ‘What can I actively give to strengthen our bond?’?”
• Identifying Negative Patterns: Recurring negative interactions can trap couples in destructive cycles. Ask:
  
  • “Are there repetitive patterns of interaction that consistently lead to conflict or feelings of disconnection in our marriage?”
  • “What role do we each tend to play within these negative cycles?”
  • “What are some specific ways we can consciously interrupt these patterns and create more positive cycles?”
• Setting and Respecting Boundaries: Dr. Baucom highlights the crucial role of boundaries in protecting the “WE” of a marriage. Inquire about:
  
  • “What boundaries do we need to establish or reinforce to safeguard our ‘WE’ from external pressures or individual habits that harm our connection?”
  • “How can we improve our understanding and respect for each other’s individual boundaries?”
• Viewing Marriage as a Growth Journey: Dr. Baucom sees marriage as an ongoing process of personal and relational evolution. Encourage this perspective by asking:
  
  • “How can we frame our current challenges not just as problems, but as opportunities for deeper connection and personal growth within our marriage?”
  • “What ‘false North Stars’ – perhaps unrealistic expectations or societal pressures – might be guiding us in a direction that isn’t serving our relationship?”
  • “How can we ensure that our individual growth as people contributes positively to the evolution of our ‘WE’?”

By asking these kinds of probing questions, you and your partner can move beyond superficial discussions and begin to address the fundamental dynamics that Dr. Baucom believes are key to understanding and revitalizing your marriage. Remember that Dr. Baucom suggests that focusing solely on communication techniques may not be enough; these questions aim to dig deeper into the perceptions, mindsets, and actions that truly shape your relationship. Approaching counseling with these types of questions can help you gain valuable insights and work towards building a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.