Navigating the Distance: What to Do When Your Partner Wants Space During a Marriage Crisis

What should I do during a marriage crisis when my partner wants space?

A marriage crisis is a turbulent time, and hearing your partner say they need space can feel like a punch to the gut. Your immediate reaction might be panic, clinging, or demanding answers. However, the sources emphasize that how you respond to this request for space is critical and can significantly impact the future of your relationship. As Dr. Lee Baucom, author of the Save The Marriage System, suggests, even when your spouse seems to have given up or needs space, it doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage can’t be saved. Kelly, for instance, began saving her marriage even while Greg was intent on divorce.

Instead of reacting in ways that could worsen the situation, consider these thoughtful actions drawn from the sources:

1. Respect and Acknowledge Their Need for Space (Without Panicking):

• The first crucial step is to acknowledge your partner’s need for space without panicking. Understand that needing space doesn’t automatically equate to wanting a divorce, although it’s a serious indicator of distress.
• Remember that even if your spouse seems to have “given up,” it doesn’t mean you can’t start the process of saving your marriage. Kelly’s story highlights that one person can initiate change.

2. Avoid the Common Pitfalls:

• The Save The Marriage System highlights that your natural reactions during a marriage crisis are often wrong and can make things much worse. Module 1 is specifically designed to help you avoid the top 5 mistakes people make when their partner wants out. Focus on resisting the urge to beg, plead, constantly question, or become overly emotional in a way that might push your partner further away.

3. Focus on Your Own Actions (“Right Action”):

• Dr. Baucom’s philosophy emphasizes taking action to change the “equation” of your relationship. He likens marriage to an algebra equation: if one side changes, the other must also change. Even if you are the only one initiating change, it can create a ripple effect.
• Practice “Right Action,” which involves relating in intentionally healthy ways, considering your spouse’s needs in balance with your own, and moving toward the “WE” of the relationship. This means acting lovingly regardless of your current emotional state. Psychology suggests that acting a certain way can actually influence your feelings.

4. Understand the Stage of Your Crisis:

• Dr. Baucom identifies 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis, and each requires a different approach. Module 2 of the Save The Marriage System can help you diagnose your current stage and provides a roadmap for recovery based on that stage. Doing the right thing at the wrong time can cause more problems.

5. Shift Your Perception:

• A change in momentum starts with a shift in perception. Consider shifting the perception that there is always “later” to focus on the relationship now.
• Begin to shift your perception of the relationship and your spouse. Try to understand their paradigm (worldview). Remember, their perspective isn’t necessarily wrong, just different. Ask yourself, “Help me understand how you see it that way?” instead of arguing. Understanding doesn’t equal agreement.

6. Re-evaluate Communication and Therapy:

• Avoid relying solely on traditional communication skills or therapy, as these often address symptoms rather than the root causes. In a troubled marriage, simply improving communication skills can sometimes lead to more effective fighting.

7. Focus on Showing Love Through Actions:

• Shift your focus from “Do I still love him/her (emotion)?” to “How do I love him/her (action)?”. Consider how your spouse best feels loved and try to show love in those ways. You can even ask them directly how they would like to be loved.
• Practice “Acting as if” you feel more loving; this can transform your feelings toward the relationship.

8. Consider Your Boundaries:

• While working to save the relationship, ensure you are not losing your own identity or allowing your boundaries to be continually crossed. Re-establishing healthy boundaries can change the balance in the relationship. Your boundaries teach your partner how you can and will be treated.

9. Understand Underlying Emotions:

• Recognize that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking primary emotions like hurt or unmet needs. Try to move beyond the anger to understand the underlying issues.

10. Focus on the “WE”:

• Remember the complementarity in your relationship – the strengths and qualities that initially attracted you and how you complement each other.
• Consider making decisions based on what is good for the relationship (“WE”). This can help you move beyond “Me vs. You” dilemmas.

11. Avoid Dwelling on the Past:

• Focus on what is possible now rather than being limited by past negative experiences.

12. Revisit Your Relationship’s “North Star”:

• Consider the guiding principle of your relationship. Commitment is suggested as a true North Star. If your current “North Star” is a “false” one (like constant happiness), consider shifting the focus.

Conclusion:

Navigating a marriage crisis when your partner wants space is undoubtedly challenging. However, by acknowledging their need, avoiding common mistakes, and focusing on your own positive actions and internal shifts based on the principles outlined in the sources, you can begin to change the dynamics of your relationship, even when your partner is distant. Remember that a change in momentum can occur even if only one person makes a shift. Utilizing resources like the Save The Marriage System can provide further guidance and support during this critical time.