When the Flame Dims: Rebuilding Intimacy in a Marriage on the Rocks

What can we do if our marriage is on the rocks due to a lack of intimacy?

Is your marriage feeling more like a partnership in logistics than a loving bond? Has the intimacy, both emotional and physical, dwindled to a flicker, leaving your relationship feeling like it’s on the rocks? You’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in this painful situation, often due to the slow erosion of connection over time. But the good news is, even if things feel dire, it’s possible to rebuild that lost intimacy and reignite the spark.

Understanding the Roots of Intimacy Loss

A lack of intimacy rarely appears overnight. Often, it’s a symptom of deeper issues that have been neglected. Dr. Lee Baucom, in “Save The Marriage,” highlights that more marriages die from neglect than anything else. Life gets in the way, and the vital connection that forms the bedrock of intimacy slowly erodes. This neglect can lead to disconnection, growing animosity, and eventually, the feeling that the marriage is over. Sometimes, one spouse is completely caught off-guard, while the other feels they’ve been trying without success and has “given up”.

Furthermore, Dr. Baucom suggests that focusing solely on communication skills might not be the answer, especially in troubled marriages. He states that teaching better communication could simply lead to more effective fighting. Instead, he emphasizes that restoring connection has less to do with communication techniques and more with clearing up misperceptions.

Taking Action: The Path Back to Intimacy

Saving your marriage and rebuilding intimacy requires a conscious effort and a shift in perspective. Here are some key principles and actionable steps drawn from the sources:

• Embrace the “WE” Mentality: Successful marriages operate from a “WE” perspective, where the focus is on what’s good for the relationship as a whole, rather than individual gains (“You/Me Trap”). When making decisions, ask yourself, “What would be best for the relationship?”.
• Focus on Accurate Perception, Clear Communication, and Right Action: These are the three core ingredients of a successful marriage. Clear communication evolves from understanding your spouse’s worldview (accurate perception), and when you communicate clearly, you can begin to act in constructive ways (right action).
• Prioritize Connection: Intimacy thrives on a feeling of being connected, which is nurtured by caring actions and open communication. Make a conscious effort to spend quality time together, engaging in conversations beyond schedules and children.
• Rediscover Love Through Action: Instead of constantly questioning your feelings, Dr. Baucom advises shifting the focus from “Do I still love him/her?” to “How do I love him/her?”. Act lovingly towards your spouse, even if the emotions feel lacking, as actions can often lead to renewed feelings. Learn how your spouse best feels loved – is it through words, touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time? Don’t hesitate to ask them directly.
• Address Underlying Emotions: Anger is often a secondary emotion masking deeper hurts and unmet needs. When conflict arises, try to move beyond the anger to understand the primary emotions at play.
• Shift the Momentum: Relationships have momentum, either positive or negative. To change a downward trajectory, you need a shift in either thought/perception or action, or both. Even one person initiating a change in how they relate can shift the dynamic.
• Give Up the Tug-of-War of Arguing: Arguing rarely leads to resolution and focuses on being “right” rather than understanding. Instead, try to understand your spouse’s perspective by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember that understanding doesn’t equal agreement.
• Reignite the Spark by Focusing on Complementarity: Recall what initially attracted you to your spouse and how you complemented each other. Often, the very traits that now frustrate you were once seen as strengths that balanced your own weaknesses.
• Revisit Your “North Star”: What is the guiding purpose of your marriage? If your “North Star” is something like constant happiness, you might be disillusioned when difficulties arise. Consider focusing on more sustainable and controllable goals like self-improvement, spiritual growth, teamwork, growing old together, and commitment.
• Remember Your Beginnings: Reminisce about how your relationship started. This can rekindle warm feelings and remind you of the foundation of your connection.
• Embrace Playfulness: Don’t let the seriousness of a struggling marriage prevent you from being playful together. Engaging in lighthearted activities can help rediscover joy and passion.
• Navigating the Stages of Intimacy: According to Dr. Baucom, intimacy develops through stages: Pseudo-Intimacy (feeling alike), Chaos (discovering differences), Emptiness (feeling lost), and finally, true Intimacy (appreciating differences). Understand that the stage of “Emptiness” is a natural part of the process and that moving through it is essential for reaching deeper intimacy.
• Choose High Mood Relating: Opt to approach your relationship with a positive and solution-oriented mindset rather than dwelling on problems and negativity. Focus on possibilities and options.
• Reconnecting Sexually: Intimacy includes physical connection. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that sex in marriage is about “WE” and is a bonding experience. Focus on the overall health of the relationship first, as sexual intimacy often follows a stronger emotional connection. Remember that making love encompasses more than just intercourse and includes all forms of physical affection and connection. Create non-conflict times to discuss your sexual relationship openly.

It’s Not Too Late to Take Action

Even if your marriage feels like it’s on its last legs, Dr. Baucom’s work with countless couples shows that transformation is possible, even when only one person initially wants to change. His “Save The Marriage System” offers a step-by-step guide to navigate these challenges.

The time for action is now. Don’t let the negative momentum continue to pull you further apart. By understanding the underlying issues and implementing these strategies, you can begin the journey of rebuilding intimacy and creating the marriage you’ve always dreamed of.