Rekindling the Flame: Strengthening Your Marriage After a Period of Neglect

How can we strengthen our marriage relationship after a period of neglect?

Has your marriage slowly drifted, leaving you feeling more like roommates than loving partners? You’re not alone. According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, author of “Save The Marriage,” more marriages die from neglect than anything else. Often, life simply gets in the way, and something as vital as your marriage gets ignored. This neglect can lead to a growing animosity and antipathy, where once there was love and connection. The good news is, even after a period of neglect, you absolutely can take steps to strengthen your marriage and rediscover the love you once shared.

Understanding the Impact of Neglect:

It’s crucial to understand how neglect erodes a marriage. Dr. Baucom explains that as neglect sets in, the lack of attention eats away at the relationship, slowly eroding the capacity for a substantial connection. This disconnection can eventually open the door for affairs and other marital crises, leading one or both partners to believe the marriage has reached its end. Often, one spouse is completely caught off-guard when the other announces the marriage is over, highlighting how insidious neglect can be.

Taking Action: Your Path to Recovery:

The first and most important step is to recognize that you need to take action. Hoping things will “just work themselves out” rarely happens. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that if you don’t take action, the negative momentum of the relationship will continue against you.

Here are some key strategies, drawn from the principles of “Save The Marriage,” to help you strengthen your relationship:

• Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”: A core trait of struggling marriages is getting caught in the “You/Me Trap,” where each partner focuses on what they are getting out of the relationship. Instead, cultivate a “WE” mentality, where decisions are based on what is best for the relationship as a whole. Remember the adage: marriage is not 50/50, but 100/100.
• Focus on Accurate Perception, Clear Communication, and Right Action: These are the three essential ingredients for a successful marriage.
  • Accurate Perception involves understanding your spouse’s worldview and being aware that you interpret their actions through your own lens.
  • Clear Communication goes beyond just talking; it requires Time, Intentionality, and Execution (TIE). Make dedicated time to discuss your relationship, intentionally focus the conversation on your connection, and make clear communication a consistent habit.
  • Right Action means relating in intentionally healthy ways, balancing your needs with your spouse’s and consciously acting in ways that pull you towards “WE”.
• Give Up on Arguing and Seek Understanding: Arguing is a “tug-of-war” with no winners outside of a courtroom. Instead of trying to convince your spouse you’re right, ask “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. Focus on understanding their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
• Rediscover Your Complementarity: Remember what initially attracted you to each other. Often, your strengths supplement your partner’s weaknesses, creating a balance. Focusing on this complementarity can help you move closer again.
• Create an Upward Cycle: Relationships have momentum, and neglect creates a downward spiral. You can change this momentum by consciously shifting your thoughts/perceptions and actions. Even one person making a change can shift the entire relationship dynamic.
• Act As If You Love Them: Instead of constantly questioning your feelings, focus on showing love through action. Ask yourself, “How do I love (action) him/her?”. Discover the specific ways your spouse feels loved – you can even ask them directly.
• Address Underlying Emotions: Anger is often a secondary emotion, masking hurt, disappointment, or dismay. When conflict arises, try to move beyond the anger to understand and address the true primary emotions.
• Establish Healthy Boundaries: Understand your own boundaries (what you will not allow) and standards (how you will act). Clearly communicate your boundaries and follow through with consequences if they are violated. Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining respect and a strong sense of self within the “WE”.
• Practice Relationship-Enhancing Habits: Incorporate practices like Benefit-of-the-Doubt thinking (assuming positive intent), cultivating gratitude for your spouse and your relationship, and practicing forgiveness.
• Move Through Emptiness Towards Intimacy: Dr. Baucom refers to a stage in relationships where couples discover their differences and may feel lost. The key is to decide to hang in, commit to improvement, and re-energize the relationship to move towards true intimacy.
• Embrace High Mood Relating: Choose to relate from a positive perspective, focusing on options and possibilities rather than getting bogged down in problems. Try to appreciate the present moment rather than dwelling on past hurts.
• Revisit Intimacy and Finances in the Context of “WE”: Understand that sex and money in a marriage are deeply connected to the strength of your “WE”. Address any underlying issues in your connection before focusing solely on these areas. See money as a tool for growth and shared passions.
• Aim for Evolution, Not Just Growth: Recognize that relationships need to adapt and change significantly over time. Embrace evolution as a way to create a relationship that is better equipped to survive and thrive.

Starting Today:

It’s never too late to begin strengthening your marriage after a period of neglect. As Kelly, who was literally on her way to sign divorce papers, discovered, a dramatic transformation is possible within weeks when the right steps are taken. Dr. Baucom emphasizes that anyone is capable of transforming their relationship, even if only one person starts trying. Just like an algebra equation, if one side changes, the other must also shift.

Don’t let the momentum of neglect continue to pull your marriage down. Take action today, implement these strategies, and begin the journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship – the marriage of your dreams.