Rebuilding Bridges: Steps to Marriage Restoration After a Long Separation

What steps are needed for marriage restoration after a long separation?

A long separation in a marriage can feel like an insurmountable chasm. The distance, both physical and emotional, can create deep wounds and raise significant doubts about the possibility of reconciliation. However, according to the principles outlined in the “Save The Marriage” material, marriage restoration is possible, even in seemingly dire circumstances. If you find yourself in this situation and desire to rebuild your relationship, here are crucial steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge the Possibility and Take Action:

It’s vital to first believe that change is possible, even if your spouse seems uninterested. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., emphasizes that his techniques work “even if your spouse has already ‘given up’”. He uses the analogy of an algebra equation: change one side (you), and the other side (your spouse and the relationship) must also change. Do not fall into the trap of believing “time heals all”. Instead, recognize that without action, the negative momentum will likely continue. As the material states, you are at this point because you are “ready to take action!”.

2. Stop Damaging Patterns and Myths:

Before attempting to rebuild, it’s essential to stop any actions that are further harming the situation. This includes buying into damaging myths about saving your marriage. For instance, simply learning more communication skills might not be the answer if the underlying issues are deeper. In fact, it could lead to more effective arguing. Similarly, avoid assuming there’s only one “path” to marital bliss; the sources suggest there are distinct stages of crisis that need to be addressed differently.

3. Understand the Anatomy of the Crisis:

Recognize that the long separation didn’t happen overnight. Marital crises often stem from neglect, where the relationship gets ignored as “life gets in the way”. This neglect can lead to growing animosity and disconnection, eventually convincing one or both partners that the marriage is over. Often, one spouse is “caught completely off-guard,” not realizing the extent of the problem, while the other feels they have been trying without change and have “given up”.

4. Identify the Stage of Crisis:

The “Save The Marriage System” highlights that there are eight distinct stages of a crisis, and each requires a different approach. Determining which stage your marriage is in after a long separation is critical. Doing the “right thing at the wrong time” can cause further problems. The system is designed to help you “establish EXACTLY which stage of crisis your marriage is currently in” and “prescribe a path to recovery based on that particular stage”.

5. Focus on the “Path Back”:

Despite the unique circumstances of your separation, remember that there is a “path back” from the verge of destruction to full recovery. While the specific steps may vary depending on the stage, the overall “way back” is predictable. The goal isn’t just to return to how things were before the separation, as the seeds of the crisis were likely already present. Instead, the aim is to build a marriage that is “insulated against any future crisis” and potentially even “better than they had dreamed possible”.

6. Implement Key Principles for Reconnection:

• Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”: Focus on what benefits the relationship as a whole, rather than individual gains.
• Give Up Arguing: Instead of trying to be right, aim to understand your spouse’s perspective. Ask, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember, understanding doesn’t equal agreement.
• Focus on Complementarity: Revisit what initially attracted you to each other. Recognize how your strengths and weaknesses balance and complete each other.
• Create an Upward Cycle: Intentionally change your thoughts, perceptions, and actions to shift the relationship’s momentum in a positive direction.
• Act “As If” Love Exists: Instead of dwelling on the absence of loving feelings, consciously choose to act in loving ways. Often, the emotions will follow. Ask yourself, “What can I do to show my love (through action)?”.
• Understand Underlying Emotions: When anger arises (in yourself or your spouse), recognize it as a secondary emotion. Try to identify and address the primary feelings like hurt or unmet needs.
• Recognize Different Paradigms: Understand that you and your spouse have different worldviews, beliefs, and values. Strive to understand your spouse’s paradigm without judgment.
• Establish Healthy Boundaries: Define what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship. Communicate these boundaries clearly and consistently.
• Practice Gratitude and Forgiveness: Focus on the positive aspects of your history and your spouse’s qualities. Work towards forgiving past hurts, as this is beneficial for both individuals and the relationship.

7. Consider Professional Guidance:

The “Save The Marriage System” itself is presented as a step-by-step guide to navigate these challenges. It includes modules designed to help you understand the stage of your crisis, implement effective strategies, and rebuild your marriage. Testimonials suggest that this material has helped others achieve “dramatic turn arounds” even in difficult situations. Relationship coaching offered by experts like Dr. Baucom is also an option for more direct assistance.

Conclusion:

Restoring a marriage after a long separation is undoubtedly a challenging journey. However, by understanding the dynamics of marital crisis, focusing on actionable steps, and potentially utilizing available resources, you can begin to rebuild bridges and create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Remember that even if you are the only one initiating change, your actions can create a shift and pave the way for reconciliation. The time to take action is now – believe in the possibility of transformation and begin your journey towards saving your marriage.