When Marriage Feels Like a Drag: Reclaiming Your Motivation

What can I do if I feel like marriage sucks and I’m losing motivation?

It happens to many of us. That spark you once felt in your marriage seems to have dwindled, replaced by a feeling that things just “suck” and your motivation to make things better is nowhere to be found. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Even Kelly and Greg, a couple featured by Dr. Lee H. Baucom, were literally on their way to sign divorce papers after 14 years of unhappiness. But their story, like many others, took a different turn.

So, what can you do when you feel like your marriage is dragging you down and you’re losing the drive to change things? Here are some insights drawn from the principles of saving a marriage, even if it feels like you’re the only one trying.

1. Recognize That Change is Possible, Even If You’re the Only One Motivated (Initially)

It might feel impossible if your spouse seems uninterested or has “given up”. However, Dr. Baucom approaches marriage crises like an algebra equation: if one side changes, the other must also change. Kelly, for example, started the process of saving her marriage by herself while Greg was still set on divorce. His insistence lessened as she took action. The techniques and approaches discussed are even referred to as “relationship Judo,” using the negative energy to turn things around. Dr. Baucom claims an 89.7% success rate with clients where only one spouse starts the process.

2. Stop Believing Damaging Myths

It’s easy to fall into common traps that actually hinder improvement. According to the sources, some damaging myths include:

• You just need to learn MORE communication skills: While communication is important, if your marriage is deeply troubled, simply learning new skills can enable you to fight more effectively and cause further damage. The real problem often lies in misperceptions.
• There’s only one “path” to marital bliss: The reality is there can be 8 distinct paths through a marriage crisis, and each needs to be addressed differently.
• You can’t start saving your marriage if your spouse isn’t interested: As mentioned above, individual effort can indeed create change.
• Time heals all: Procrastination often allows the negative momentum to build, making things worse. Taking action now is critical.

3. Shift Your Focus from “You & Me” to “WE”

A key trait of failing marriages is getting stuck in the “You/Me Trap,” where each partner is primarily concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship. Successful marriages, on the other hand, move towards a “WE” mentality, where decisions are based on what is good for the relationship as a whole. Consider asking yourself, “What would be best for our relationship?” when facing decisions.

4. Take Action, Even If You Don’t Feel Like It

Love is often linked to emotion, but relying solely on feelings can be misleading. Instead of asking “Do I still love him/her?”, try asking “How can I show love to him/her?”. Acting as if you love your spouse can actually help those lacking emotions return. Consider what actions demonstrate love to your spouse and commit to doing them.

5. Understand That Negative Emotions Are Often Secondary

When your spouse (or you) responds with anger, remember that this is often not the primary emotion. Try to understand the underlying feelings, needs, or hurts that are fueling the anger. Shift your perception of anger from an attack to a revelation of something important to your spouse.

6. Be Mindful of Destructive Patterns

Relationships can get caught in negative patterns like controlled/controlling dynamics or under/overfunctioning. Reflect on whether these or other patterns are undermining the “WE” in your relationship. Consciously choosing not to participate in these patterns is crucial.

7. Give Up on Pointless Arguing and Seek Understanding

Arguing is essentially two people trying to prove they are right and rarely leads to resolution. Instead, ask, “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. This shifts the focus from winning to understanding your spouse’s unique perspective or “paradigm”. Remember, you can understand without agreeing.

8. Reconnect with Your Complementarity

Troubled couples often focus on how different they are and lose sight of how they complement each other. Think back to what initially attracted you to your spouse and how your strengths and weaknesses balanced each other.

9. Create Upward Momentum Through Small Shifts

Relationships tend to continue in the direction they are already headed. To change a downward spiral, you need to intentionally create a shift in thought/perception and action. Even small, deliberate efforts can start to reverse negative momentum.

10. Consider Your “North Star”

What is the guiding purpose of your marriage? Common reasons like happiness, sex, or children can be “false North Stars” because their absence can make the marriage feel pointless. True North Stars are within your control, such as commitment, self-improvement, spiritual growth, and becoming everything you each can be. Make commitment the central guiding principle.

Feeling like your marriage sucks and your motivation is fading is a sign that something needs attention. By understanding the dynamics at play and implementing these principles, you can begin to shift the momentum and rediscover the connection and love you once shared. Remember, even if you feel like you’re starting alone, your actions can create a ripple effect that leads to positive change for both of you.