Navigating Marriage Trouble When Health Takes Center Stage

How can we handle marriage trouble caused by my spouse’s health issues?

Marriage is a journey filled with highs and lows, and one of the most challenging paths a couple can face is navigating health issues affecting one or both partners. When your spouse is struggling with their health, it can inevitably create turbulence in the marriage. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, but remember that your partnership is a system, and how you respond can significantly impact your relationship’s trajectory.

Acknowledge the Impact and Shift to “WE”

Firstly, it’s crucial to acknowledge that your spouse’s health issues are not isolated events; they affect the entire relationship. As Dr. Baucom states, a marriage is a system, not just two individuals. Therefore, the challenges your spouse faces become challenges for the “WE” of your marriage. Instead of focusing solely on individual struggles, strive to approach the situation with a unified front, moving from a “You/Me” mentality to a “WE” perspective.

Strive for Accurate Perception and Understanding

Health problems can alter a person’s mood, energy levels, and overall well-being, potentially leading to changes in behavior. During these times, it’s vital to practice accurate perception. Try to understand your spouse’s experience and worldview. Avoid jumping to conclusions or interpreting their actions solely through your own lens. Ask yourself, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember that understanding is not the same as agreement, but it lays the foundation for empathy and support.

Take “Right Action” with Intention

Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of Right Action, which involves relating in intentionally healthy ways and considering your spouse’s needs alongside your own. This might mean actively offering support, adjusting expectations, or simply being present. Sometimes, Right Action calls us to move toward each other, even when we do not feel like it. Don’t wait for the “feeling” of love to guide your actions; instead, choose to act lovingly, which can, in turn, foster those feelings.

Practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” Thinking

When dealing with the stresses of health issues, misunderstandings can easily arise. Practice Benefit-of-the-Doubt thinking, assuming a positive or neutral stance towards your spouse’s intentions. This can help de-escalate tense situations and prevent you from assuming they are deliberately trying to hurt or frustrate you.

Focus on Your Controllables and Initiate Change

Even if your spouse is struggling to actively engage due to their health, remember that a relationship shift can begin with just one person making a change. Dr. Baucom suggests that “if you impact one part of the system, you impact other parts”. Focus on what you can control – your responses, your actions, and your efforts to support your spouse and the marriage.

Communicate with Care and Intention

While the sources caution against relying solely on communication skills as a fix-all, clear and intentional communication remains vital. Create non-conflict times to discuss your concerns and feelings related to your spouse’s health and its impact on the marriage. Remember that clear communication takes Time, Intentionality, and Execution (TIE).

Avoid Destructive Power Dynamics

Health issues can sometimes lead to shifts in roles and responsibilities, potentially creating power imbalances. Be mindful of these dynamics and strive for a partnership based on sharing and cooperation, rather than control. Avoid getting caught in patterns of being controlled or controlling, or underfunctioning and overfunctioning.

Cultivate Gratitude

During difficult times, it’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong. However, actively practicing gratitude for your spouse and the positive aspects of your relationship can create an upward cycle. Look for things, even small ones, for which you can be thankful.

Reaffirm Your Commitment

Ultimately, navigating marriage trouble caused by health issues requires a deep commitment to your partnership. Commitment acts as the North Star of your relationship, guiding you through challenging times. When commitment is your guiding principle, you are more likely to work through problems together rather than seeing them as reasons to give up.

Navigating marriage trouble related to your spouse’s health is undoubtedly challenging. By focusing on understanding, intentional action, and a commitment to the “WE” of your relationship, you can work together to weather the storm and potentially even strengthen your bond. Remember that seeking support, whether through resources like “Save The Marriage System” or other avenues, can provide valuable guidance during these difficult times.