Navigating the Storm: Finding Marriage Help When Parenting Conflicts Arise

Where can I find marriage help when we’re struggling with parenting conflicts?

Parenting is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding experiences in life, but it can also be a significant source of stress and conflict within a marriage. Disagreements about raising children – from discipline styles to educational choices – can leave couples feeling frustrated, unheard, and disconnected. If you find yourselves struggling with parenting conflicts that are impacting your marital happiness, know that you are not alone and there is help available.

While the sources don’t offer a specific, isolated section dedicated solely to “marriage help for parenting conflicts”, they provide a wealth of concepts and resources that can be incredibly beneficial in navigating these challenges within your relationship.

One of the key insights from the sources is that parenting conflicts are often a symptom of underlying marital dynamics. For instance, couples may stay together “just for the kids” even when unhappy, indicating that their focus may have inadvertently shifted away from nurturing their own connection. They might spend most of their time discussing children’s schedules and needs, leaving little room for conversations that strengthen their bond as partners.

Understanding the Dynamics at Play

The sources shed light on certain patterns that can exacerbate parenting conflicts:

• Under/Overfunctioning: One parent might take on the majority of childcare responsibilities or hold very strong opinions about how things should be done, leading the other to feel controlled or to underfunction. This imbalance can breed disconnection and resentment. As “Tom” and his wife’s example illustrates, an imbalance in responsibilities, even if initially well-intentioned, can lead to disconnection and the feeling that the marriage “was not working”.
• Power Struggles: Children can unfortunately become a focal point for power struggles within a marriage. Differing opinions on discipline, education, or general upbringing can lead to conflict as each partner tries to assert their way. The sources emphasize that power struggles are a major symptom of a lack of “WE” in the relationship.

Applying General Marriage Help Principles to Parenting Conflicts

Fortunately, the sources outline several general principles for improving your marriage that can be directly applied to resolving parenting disagreements:

• Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”: When making parenting decisions, consciously consider what is best for your family unit and your partnership as a whole, rather than solely focusing on individual preferences. This involves treating your relationship as a real entity and making choices that benefit the “WE”.
• Practice “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” Thinking: Instead of immediately assuming negative intent when your spouse has a different parenting approach, try to understand their perspective and assume they have good intentions. This practice helps to move away from seeing your spouse as not being on your side.
• Give Up on Arguing and Focus on Understanding: Instead of trying to prove you are right about a parenting issue, ask your spouse to help you understand how they see it. This powerful question, “Help me understand how you see it that way?” shifts the focus from winning to understanding different worldviews or paradigms.
• Recognize and Address Your Individual Paradigms: Your differing views on parenting often stem from your unique life experiences and beliefs (paradigms). Acknowledge that your way isn’t the only “right” way and actively try to understand your spouse’s underlying beliefs about raising children.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: If disagreements about parenting escalate into yelling or disrespectful communication, establish clear boundaries around how you will discuss these issues. The sources provide a four-step method for setting boundaries: Inform, Ask, Tell, and Consequence.
• Focus on “Right Action”: Intentionally act in healthy ways towards your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. In the context of parenting, this could mean trying your spouse’s suggested approach or finding a compromise, even if it’s not your ideal solution. Right Action involves taking the other’s needs in balance with your own, pulling you towards “WE”.

Specific Resources to Explore

While not exclusively about parenting conflicts, the sources suggest resources that can provide broader marriage help applicable to these struggles:

• “Save the Marriage Teleclasses”: These may periodically cover topics related to communication and conflict resolution within a marriage, which can be directly applied to parenting disagreements. Keep an eye out for schedules to see if relevant topics are being addressed.
• John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”: This book, based on extensive research into what makes marriages succeed, can offer valuable insights into navigating all types of disagreements, including those related to parenting.
• “The Save The Marriage System”: Although it doesn’t specifically target parenting conflicts, this system aims to transform your fundamental understanding of marriage and its problems. By learning to assess the stage of your marital crisis and applying specific strategies, you can build a stronger foundation for resolving any type of conflict, including those surrounding parenting. This system emphasizes moving beyond simply avoiding divorce to creating the marriage you desire.

Key Takeaway

While you might not find a resource solely dedicated to “marriage help for parenting conflicts,” the principles and resources aimed at strengthening your overall marital relationship, as highlighted in the sources, are your most valuable tools. By focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives, prioritizing your relationship as a “WE,” and learning effective communication and conflict resolution skills, you can navigate the challenges of parenting in a way that strengthens, rather than strains, your marriage. Remember that even if only one partner initiates these changes, it can create a positive shift in the relationship dynamic.