Navigating the Storm: Tackling Relationship Problems Caused by External Stress

How can we tackle problems in relationships caused by external stress?

Life throws us curveballs. Job loss, financial pressures, family emergencies, and global events can all create significant external stress. While these challenges impact us individually, they often cast a long shadow over our closest relationships, leading to tension, arguments, and a feeling of disconnection. So, how can we, as couples, tackle these problems and not let external pressures erode the very foundation of our partnership?

According to Dr. Lee H. Baucom, even when facing significant marital distress, including crises triggered by shifts in life circumstances, there are paths to recovery. The key is to understand how external stress impacts your relationship and to take proactive steps to navigate it. Here are some insights drawn from the sources to help you weather the storm together:

1. Recognize the Impact of External Stress: It’s crucial to acknowledge that external pressures will affect your relationship. Pretending everything is fine or blaming each other for the tension will only create further problems. Dr. Baucom notes that sometimes one partner is caught off-guard, not realizing the extent of the problem caused by accumulating stress. Openly discuss how external factors are making you both feel individually and as a couple.

2. Avoid the Communication Skills Trap (Initially): While good communication is essential in the long run, Dr. Baucom cautions that in a troubled marriage, simply focusing on communication skills can be counterproductive and even lead to more effective fighting. The initial focus should be on understanding each other’s perceptions of the stress and its impact.

3. Shift to a “WE” Mentality: External stress can easily push couples into a “You vs. Me” dynamic, where each person feels they are bearing the brunt of the burden. Instead, consciously strive for a “WE” mentality, focusing on tackling the stress as a united front. Ask yourselves, “What is best for our relationship right now?”.

4. Identify Your Stage of Crisis: Dr. Baucom emphasizes that there are different stages of a marriage crisis, and understanding which stage you are in is critical because the right actions at the wrong time can cause more harm. While the sources don’t explicitly map external stress to specific stages, recognizing increased conflict, withdrawal, or blame as signs of a crisis is a starting point.

5. Take Action to Counter Negative Momentum: Relationships, like anything else, have momentum. If external stress is pushing your relationship in a negative direction, it’s crucial to take action to change that momentum. This can start with small, intentional shifts in how you relate to each other.

6. Focus on Right Action, Not Just Emotions: When stressed, our emotions can be all over the place. Dr. Baucom suggests focusing on “Right Action” – relating in intentionally healthy ways, even if you don’t feel like it. Acting lovingly can actually lead to feeling more loving. Ask yourself, “What can I do to show my love and support right now?”.

7. Give Up Arguing and Seek Understanding: Stress often leads to increased arguments. Dr. Baucom points out that arguing is usually about trying to prove who is right, a “tug-of-war” with no winners. Instead, try to understand your partner’s perspective by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?”. Remember, understanding doesn’t equal agreement.

8. Practice Benefit-of-the-Doubt Thinking: When under pressure, it’s easy to misinterpret your partner’s actions and assume the worst. Dr. Baucom encourages practicing “Benefit-of-the-Doubt” thinking, assuming positive or neutral intentions. This can help de-escalate conflicts and foster empathy.

9. Set and Respect Boundaries: External stress can sometimes lead to unhealthy behaviors or a blurring of personal limits. Establishing and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining individual well-being and the health of the relationship. This includes communicating your needs clearly and calmly.

10. Revisit Your “North Star”: Dr. Baucom discusses the importance of a shared “North Star” for your relationship, such as commitment, self-improvement, or being a team. During times of external stress, remind yourselves of your shared long-term goals and commitment to navigating challenges together.

11. Understand Anger as a Secondary Emotion: When stress hits, anger can surface easily. Dr. Baucom suggests that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking underlying hurt, fear, or unmet needs. Try to look beyond the anger and identify the primary emotions driving your partner’s reactions (and your own).

12. Remember Relationships Evolve: Dr. Baucom proposes that relationships evolve through paradigm shifts, and crises can be opportunities for growth. View the challenges brought by external stress not as a sign of failure, but as a potential turning point for a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Tackling relationship problems caused by external stress is not always easy, but by understanding the dynamics at play and implementing these strategies drawn from Dr. Baucom’s insights, you can navigate the storms of life together and emerge with a stronger, more connected relationship. Remember, even if only one of you starts making these shifts, it can create a positive ripple effect.