Level Up Your Partnership: Relationship Advice for Men to Be a Better Husband
What relationship advice for men can help me be a better partner to my wife?
So you’re looking for ways to be a better partner to your wife? That’s a fantastic first step! As Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy and relationship coaching with over 30 years of experience, emphasizes, a key to a thriving marriage lies in understanding and action. Here’s some advice, drawing directly from the sources, to help you on this journey:
1. Embrace the “WE” Mentality:
- Shift from thinking as two individuals (“You and Me”) to operating as a unified team (“WE”). This means making decisions based on what’s best for “US”. See yourselves as indivisible, always having each other’s backs.
- Becoming a “WE” doesn’t mean losing your individual identity. It’s about bringing your best self and talents to the team.
- A major cause of marital crisis is failing to become a “WE”. This can happen due to cultural emphasis on the “rugged individual” and fears of losing oneself in intimacy or fear of abandonment.
2. Take Ownership and Focus on Yourself:
- A significant aspect of Dr. Baucom’s work involves changing how you think about your marriage. Move away from blame and resentment towards understanding and personal responsibility.
- Concentrate on what you can control – your own behavior, attitudes, and emotional responses – rather than trying to change your wife.
3. See Marriage as a Journey of Growth:
- Marriage is a journey of personal and relational growth. View challenges as opportunities to deepen your connection and evolve together as individuals. This long-term perspective helps you move past immediate crises.
- Remember that marriage is a deep psychological process that can shake your sense of identity. Be ready for this journey.
4. Love is an Action, Not Just a Feeling:
- Don’t wait to “feel” in love to act lovingly. Consciously take loving actions towards your wife, which will fuel connection and loving feelings. The feeling of being “in love” often follows the actions of being loving.
- The initial “in love” feeling (“the tingles”) is often unsustainable beyond 18 months and shifts from “adrenaline attraction” to “endorphin attraction”. This shift is natural and doesn’t indicate failure. Continue to “do” love to maintain the connection.
5. Avoid the “Pause Button Marriage”:
- There’s no “pause” in a relationship. Connection either grows or recedes; it never stays stationary.
- Make a conscious and consistent effort to nurture your connection. Neglecting it can lead to disconnection and significant problems. Many couples “un-pause” to find they have grown apart.
6. Strive for Accurate Perception:
- Work to understand your wife’s worldview and paradigm. Recognize that everyone sees the world differently. Your task is to understand how your wife sees things, even if you don’t agree.
- Remember that you interpret your spouse’s actions through your own paradigm, not theirs. Strive to balance your response with your spouse’s intentions.
7. Practice Clear Communication:
- Clear communication evolves from accurate perception. Make time for intentional conversations about your relationship and prioritize them.
- Clear communication involves time, intentionality, and execution (TIE). Simply teaching communication skills isn’t enough if the underlying issues aren’t addressed.
8. Take “Right Action”:
- Act in your relationship by considering the “WE” and acting accordingly. This might mean moving towards your wife even when you don’t feel like it, understanding that loving actions can lead to loving feelings.
- Right action involves balancing your needs with your wife’s and pulling the couple towards “WE”.
9. Give Up Arguing, Seek Understanding:
- Stop trying to “win” arguments. Instead, focus on understanding your wife’s perspective.
- Ask questions like, “Help me understand how you see it that way?” to move towards understanding rather than conflict. Understand someone without necessarily agreeing with them.
10. Make “WE”-Based Decisions:
- When making decisions, consider what is good for the relationship as a whole, the “WE”. This can help navigate personal dilemmas and foster a stronger sense of being in it together.
11. Commit for the Long Haul:
- Make commitment the “truest North Star” of your relationship. Approach challenges with the mindset of working through them, rather than seeing the relationship as something to leave if it becomes difficult. If your mindset includes “we can always divorce,” it makes it more likely.
12. Understand Underlying Emotions:
- Recognize that anger is often a secondary emotion masking underlying hurts or unmet needs. Try to move beyond surface anger to understand the primary emotions your wife might be experiencing.
13. Practice Benefit of the Doubt:
- Assume your wife didn’t intend to hurt you in misunderstandings. This fosters a move towards “WE” instead of assuming hostile intent.
14. Cultivate Gratitude:
- Develop a sense of gratitude for your wife and the positive aspects of your relationship. Looking for things to be thankful for can counteract a cycle of ingratitude.
15. Establish and Respect Boundaries:
- Create and respect boundaries for yourselves as individuals and for the relationship as a “WE”. Agreed-upon boundaries protect the relationship from outside forces.
16. Act “As If”:
- When emotions feel amiss, consider acting “as if” you feel the way you want to feel towards your wife. Imagining what you would do if you were feeling loving and then doing those things can help rekindle those emotions.
Key Takeaway:
Becoming a better partner is an active and ongoing process. It requires a shift in mindset, a focus on shared partnership, and consistent loving actions. By understanding these principles and actively implementing them, you can significantly enhance your relationship with your wife and build a marriage you both treasure. Remember, even if only one partner starts making changes, the relationship system can begin to shift for the better.