Navigating the Maze of Control: Finding Solutions to Controlling Behavior in Your Relationship
How can we solve a relationship problem involving my partner’s controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior in a relationship can feel suffocating and erode the very foundation of love and partnership. If you’re facing this challenge, know that you’re not alone, and more importantly, there are paths toward positive change. Drawing on insights from “Save The Marriage – You CAN Save Your Marriage, Even If Only YOU Want To!” we can explore some effective strategies.
Understanding the “Controlled/Controlling” Trap
Dr. Lee Baucom highlights a common and destructive dynamic he calls the “Controlled/Controlling” trap. In this pattern, one partner tries to control the other, and the other, consciously or unconsciously, allows themselves to be controlled. This often stems from a need to be in charge or a feeling of being out of control.
Consider the example of Sharon and Bert, where Bert’s tendency to be the “boss” at work spilled over into their home life, with Sharon ultimately rebelling against his perceived control. Similarly, Sue’s attempts to control Bob’s behavior led to him acting like a child and withdrawing. These scenarios illustrate how attempting to control often backfires, leading to resentment and a breakdown of connection.
Recognizing Your Role and the Missing “WE”
It’s crucial to honestly assess the extent to which this pattern plays out in your relationship. Ask yourself:
- Does one partner consistently try to dictate the other’s actions, decisions, or feelings?
- Does the other partner often feel stifled, resentful, or like they have to seek permission?
- What triggers these controlling behaviors?
Dr. Baucom emphasizes that power struggles are a key indicator that the sense of “WE” is missing from the relationship. When the focus is on individual control rather than the well-being of the partnership, problems are inevitable.
Shifting the Dynamic: It Takes One to Initiate Change
The good news is that a relationship can begin to shift even if only one person wants to change. Just like an algebra equation, when one side changes, the other must respond. This is rooted in the “physics of relating,” where one person’s shift creates an equal and opposite reaction.
Therefore, if you are the one seeking change, you can begin by consciously choosing not to participate in the controlling/controlled dynamic. This might feel unnatural at first and can create anxiety, but over time, new habits can form.
The Power of Boundaries
One of the most effective tools for addressing controlling behavior is establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries define what you will and will not allow to be done to you. They are the “No’s” of your life and teach others how you expect to be treated.
Dr. Baucom outlines a four-step process for setting boundaries:
- Inform: Calmly and factually state what the other person has done or is doing (e.g., “Do you realize your voice is raised?”).
- Ask: Clearly request the behavior to stop (e.g., “Please don’t raise your voice when you are talking to me”). Maintain a calm tone.
- Tell: Firmly state that the behavior is unacceptable and inform them of the consequence if it continues (e.g., “You may not raise your voice at me. If you do not stop, I am leaving the room for a while”).
- Consequence: If the behavior persists, immediately and consistently follow through with the consequence you stated.
Focusing on Interdependence and the “WE”
Instead of engaging in power struggles, which leave both partners feeling powerless, strive for interdependence. This involves recognizing that you are a team, even if you feel like opposites. Decisions should ideally be made based on what is good for the relationship (“the WE”) rather than solely on individual desires. Asking the question, “What would be best for the relationship?” can lead to creative solutions and a stronger sense of togetherness.
Shifting Perceptions and Taking “Right Action”
Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of accurate perception in a successful marriage. Instead of assuming you know your partner’s intentions, try to understand their worldview. Ask, “Help me understand how you see it that way?” This shifts the focus from winning an argument to gaining understanding. Remember, understanding does not equal agreement.
Furthermore, take “Right Action,” which involves relating in intentionally healthy ways and considering your partner’s needs in balance with your own. Sometimes, this means acting lovingly even when you don’t feel like it, as actions can influence emotions. The “Acting as if…” technique can be powerful: imagine how you would act if you felt the way you want to feel towards your spouse and then do those things.
Moving Towards Evolution, Not Just Growth
Ultimately, overcoming controlling behavior requires a significant shift in the relationship dynamic – an evolution, rather than just gradual growth. This involves moving beyond outdated patterns and assumptions to create a healthier, more balanced partnership.
Seeking Further Support
If you find yourself struggling to implement these strategies on your own, consider exploring resources like “The Save The Marriage SYSTEM”. Relationship coaching or exploring books like John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” can also provide valuable guidance and support.
Conclusion: Hope and Action
Dealing with a partner’s controlling behavior is challenging, but it is not insurmountable. By understanding the underlying dynamics, setting clear boundaries, focusing on the “WE” of your relationship, and taking conscious action, you can begin to dismantle the cycle of control and cultivate a more loving and respectful partnership. Remember, change is possible, and it often starts with one person taking the courageous first step.
