Is Your Marriage Over? Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore
What are the signs a marriage is over that I should look out for?
It can be incredibly difficult to face the possibility that your marriage might be nearing its end. Often, we hope things will improve, or we dismiss troubling signs as just temporary rough patches. However, ignoring critical indicators can prevent you from taking necessary action, whether that means working to save the marriage or preparing for a different future. Drawing on the insights of Dr. Lee H. Baucom, let’s explore some of the signs that suggest a marriage may be in serious trouble.
The Slow Erosion of Connection:
According to the sources, marriages rarely fail overnight. Instead, a crisis often builds slowly over time, frequently starting with neglect. Life gets in the way, and something as vital as your marriage gets ignored. This lack of attention eats away at the relationship, gradually eroding the capacity for a substantial connection. This can manifest as spending less than 4 minutes a day talking about issues other than schedules and children.
As neglect sets in, the relationship can shift from mere lack of attention to growing animosity and antipathy. Eventually, this disconnection can open the door to more severe crises, including affairs. A particularly alarming sign is when one spouse feels they have been trying and trying with no change and has “given up”.
The Announcement That Comes as a Shock:
A frequent and significant warning sign is when one spouse suddenly announces the marriage is over, leaving the other completely unaware that there was even a problem. Dr. Baucom notes the common occurrence of being told, “I thought everything was fine, until my spouse asked for a divorce”. This indicates a severe disconnect where one partner has been deeply unhappy for some time, while the other has been oblivious.
Falling Into Damaging Myths:
Believing in certain myths about saving a marriage can also be a sign that you might be heading in the wrong direction and potentially towards the end. These include:
- Thinking more communication skills will solve deep problems: While communication is important, simply learning new techniques when a marriage is truly troubled can be ineffective and might even allow you to fight more effectively without resolution. As Dr. Baucom states, if the underlying issues of perception and understanding aren’t addressed, improved communication won’t lead to a better marriage.
- Assuming time heals all: This may be the most damaging myth. Procrastination and hoping things will “just work themselves out” rarely happen. Negative momentum can build, making the relationship too far gone.
- Believing you can’t start saving the marriage if your spouse isn’t interested: While it’s more challenging, Dr. Baucom argues that his techniques can work even if your spouse has “given up”. However, the fact that your spouse has reached this point is a serious sign of the depth of the crisis.
The Shift Away From “WE”:
A critical element of a successful marriage is the move from a “You/Me” mentality to a “WE”. When couples are trapped in the “You/Me Trap,” each is primarily concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship, like a balance sheet. Successful relationships, on the other hand, are based on going beyond a 50/50 mentality, with a focus on shared goals and a sense of “WE”. The failure to escape this “You/Me Trap” is a central trait of failed marriages.
Recognizing Destructive Patterns:
Certain relationship dynamics can severely undermine the “WE” and signal deep trouble:
- Controlled/Controlling: When one partner tries to control the other, it can lead to resentment and rebellion. Ironically, attempts to control can lead to a total lack of control.
- Under/Overfunctioning: This pattern involves one partner consistently taking on more responsibility (emotional, practical, etc.), allowing the other to underfunction. This imbalance can lead to disconnection, as one partner may feel overwhelmed while the other disengages.
- Power Struggles: Marriages based on sharing and cooperation are undermined by power struggles. When couples become locked in a battle for dominance, it is a sign of a significant crisis.
When Saving the Marriage Seems Impossible (But Might Not Be):
The sources highlight that relationships have come back to life after significant challenges like affairs, bankruptcies, and dishonesty. Even when a spouse has given up and is bent on divorce, as in the case of Kelly and Greg, intervention can still be successful. However, reaching the point where divorce papers are being signed is undoubtedly a critical sign of a marriage on the brink.
The Path Back:
Dr. Baucom emphasizes that while a marriage can fall apart in many ways, it only recovers in one predictable way. His work focuses on identifying this “path back” from the verge of destruction to full recovery. It’s crucial to understand the stage of crisis you are in to apply the right strategies.
Conclusion: Action is Key
While the signs mentioned above can indicate a marriage in serious trouble, it’s important to remember that many relationships can be saved with the right approach and action. Dr. Baucom reports a high success rate (89.7%) with his techniques, even when only one spouse initially wants to work on the relationship. Recognizing these signs is the first step. The next, as the title of Dr. Baucom’s work suggests, is to take action to “Save The Marriage”. Ignoring these indicators risks letting negative momentum take over, potentially leading to a place that is truly irreparable.
