My Spouse Has Filed for Divorce – What Can I Say or Do?

What can I say or do to stop divorce when my spouse has already filed?

It’s one of the most devastating pieces of news you can receive: your spouse has filed for divorce. Feelings of shock, disbelief, and fear are natural. You might feel helpless, but even when divorce papers have been served, it is still possible to take action and potentially change the course of your marriage.

This isn’t a time for panic, but a time for focused and strategic action. Forget the common myths about saving a marriage and instead, let’s look at what the sources suggest you can do.

First, Understand This Isn’t the End of the Road (Unless You Let It Be)

Dr. Lee H. Baucom, in “Save The Marriage,” shares the powerful story of Kelly and Greg, who were literally on their way to sign divorce papers when they decided to stop at his office. Their marriage of 14 years seemed over, with years of unhappiness and failed attempts at change. Yet, within a few weeks of learning new approaches, they experienced a dramatic transformation. This illustrates a crucial point: the fact that divorce papers have been filed doesn’t automatically mean the marriage is beyond saving.

Stop Believing the Damaging Myths

Before you do or say anything, it’s vital to abandon common misconceptions that can actually worsen the situation.

• Thinking that more communication skills are the key is often wrong. If your marriage is deeply troubled, simply learning new ways to talk might just give you the ability to fight more effectively. According to the sources, the problem often isn’t the lack of communication, but destructive communication rooted in misperceptions.
• Believing there’s only one “path” back to happiness is also incorrect. Dr. Baucom discovered eight distinct paths through a marriage crisis, and each needs to be addressed differently. What helps at one stage can be harmful at another. You need to understand exactly which stage of crisis you are facing.
• Don’t assume you can’t start saving your marriage if your spouse isn’t interested. Even if your spouse has “given up,” your actions can still have a powerful impact. Dr. Baucom calls his strategies “relationship Judo,” using the negative energy to turn things around. He approaches marriage crises like an algebra equation: change one side, and the other must change. Kelly started the process of saving her marriage even while Greg was still intent on divorce.
• The idea that “time heals all” is perhaps the most damaging myth. Procrastination rarely works, and the negative momentum of a failing relationship will likely work against you. It’s critical to start the process of saving your marriage now.

Focus on What You Can Do

Even if your spouse has initiated divorce proceedings, remember that a marriage is a system, not just two individuals. By impacting one part of the system (you), you will inevitably impact other parts (your spouse and the relationship itself).

Here’s a breakdown of actions and perspectives to consider:

• Take Immediate Action and Avoid the Top 5 Mistakes: If your partner has told you they want out (which is implied by filing for divorce), Module 1 of “The Save The Marriage System” is crucial. Your natural reactions at this stage are often wrong and can make things worse. This resource can help you avoid the most common and damaging errors.
• Assess the Stage of Your Crisis: Module 2 of the system focuses on diagnosing exactly which stage of crisis your marriage is in. Knowing this will provide a roadmap for your immediate actions and prevent you from doing the right thing at the wrong time, which can cause more problems.
• Shift from “You & Me” to “WE”: Failed marriages often get stuck in the “You/Me Trap,” where each person focuses on what they are getting out of the relationship. Successful marriages move to “WE,” where decisions are based on what is good for the relationship as a whole. Start considering how your actions can benefit the “WE” of your marriage.
• Give Up Arguing: Arguing is a “tug-of-war” with no winners outside of a courtroom. Instead of trying to prove you’re right, try to understand your spouse’s perspective by asking, “Help me understand how you see it that way?“. Understanding doesn’t equal agreement, but it opens the door to connection.
• Practice “Right Action”: This involves relating in intentionally healthy ways, balancing your needs with your spouse’s. Act in loving ways, even if you don’t feel like it, as feelings often follow action. Discover how your spouse best feels loved and commit to showing love in those ways.
• Focus on Creating an Upward Cycle: Momentum in a relationship works in both directions. A change in your perception and actions can shift the relationship’s momentum. Even a small shift can have a ripple effect.
• Don’t Ask If You’re Still In Love, Act As If You Are: Focusing on the feeling of love can lead to more doubt. Instead, shift your question from “Do I still love him/her?” to “How do I love him/her?” (through actions). The “Acting as if…” technique involves imagining how you would act if you felt differently and then doing those things.
• Begin to Establish Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries define what you will and will not allow in your life. Inform your spouse calmly when a boundary is crossed, ask them to stop, tell them the consequence if it continues, and then follow through. Setting and holding boundaries can shift the balance in the relationship and potentially restore respect.
• Practice Benefit-of-the-Doubt and Gratitude: Consciously choose to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, understanding that most actions stem from self-interest or reaction to perceived threats. Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the good things in your relationship, which can counteract a cycle of negativity.

Consider Seeking Guidance

The “Save The Marriage System” was created to provide a step-by-step guide for navigating these challenging situations. It offers modules on understanding the crisis, the secrets of a healthy marriage, and a guide to rebuilding the relationship. Dr. Baucom also offers relationship coaching.

The Path Back is Possible

Remember Kelly and Greg. Remember that relationships can recover from affairs, bankruptcies, dishonesty, and just about any other roadblock. It won’t be easy, and there are no guarantees, but by understanding the dynamics of a marital crisis and taking deliberate, informed action, you give yourself and your marriage the best possible chance for a new beginning – one that could be stronger and better than ever before.

The time for action is now. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth the effort.

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Disclaimer: This blog post is based on the information provided in the sources. Individual results may vary. If you are facing a marital crisis, seeking professional guidance is recommended.