My Spouse Wants a Divorce, But I Don’t! What Can I Do?

How can I stop my divorce if I’m the only one who wants to try?

It’s a devastating feeling to face the potential end of your marriage when you are the only one who wants to fight for it. You might feel helpless, overwhelmed, and unsure of what steps to take. However, the sources for this discussion offer a message of hope: you absolutely can start the process of saving your marriage, even if your spouse has already “given up”.

Dr. Lee H. Baucom, in his material, shares the story of Kelly and Greg, who were literally on their way to sign divorce papers when they decided to stop at his office. They had been unhappy for years and had tried various forms of help without success. Yet, within weeks of learning new approaches, their marriage underwent a dramatic transformation. Their story highlights a crucial point: change is possible, even at what seems like the very end.

Debunking the Myth of Mutual Interest

One of the most damaging myths about saving a marriage is the belief that both spouses need to be equally interested from the start. Dr. Baucom’s techniques and approach work even if your spouse has already “given up”. His strategies have even been called “relationship Judo,” where you learn to use the negative energy in your relationship to turn things around.

Kelly, in the initial stages of her marital crisis, was the one who started the process. She found resources and began implementing changes on her own, even while Greg was still set on divorce. This illustrates a powerful principle: you can initiate change within the marital system, and that change can impact your spouse, even if they are resistant at first. As Dr. Baucom explains, a marriage is a system, and if you impact one part, you inevitably impact other parts.

Taking Action Now is Critical

Another crucial point emphasized in the sources is the importance of taking action now. Many people hope things will “just work themselves out,” but this rarely happens. In fact, the negative momentum of a troubled relationship can work against you, making it increasingly difficult to recover. It is critical to start the process of saving your marriage before things spiral into a truly irreparable place.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Before you begin, it’s vital to understand some of the common mistakes people make when trying to save their marriage.

• Relying solely on improving communication skills: While communication is important, simply learning new communication techniques when your marriage is deeply troubled might only equip you and your spouse to fight more effectively. The underlying misperceptions and issues need to be addressed first.
• Believing there’s only one “path” to recovery: Many programs assume a singular route to marital bliss. However, Dr. Baucom discovered eight distinct stages of a crisis, and each stage needs to be addressed differently. What might be helpful at one stage could be damaging at another. Understanding which stage of crisis your marriage is in is the first crucial step.
• Thinking “time heals all”: As mentioned earlier, this is a damaging myth. Procrastination and hoping things will get better on their own rarely work.

Shifting Your Focus to “WE”

A core concept discussed in the sources is the shift from a “You & Me” mentality to a “WE” mentality. Successful marriages operate with a sense of shared identity and purpose. When couples are caught in the “You/Me Trap,” each person is primarily concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship, often keeping a mental “ledger”. Successful relationships are never based on this kind of ledger. Instead, they focus on what is good for the relationship as a whole.

Consider making decisions based on what would be best for the relationship, the “WE”. This can create a way around personal dilemmas and foster a stronger sense of “being in it together”.

Creating Positive Momentum

Just as negative momentum can pull a relationship downward, you can also create an “upward cycle“. This begins with a shift in your own thought and perception, which can then lead to a change in action. Even if your spouse is unwilling or unable to invest in the shift initially, when you begin to relate differently, they will have to begin to relate differently in response.

Focusing on Loving Actions

Instead of constantly questioning whether you are still “in love” (an emotion that can ebb and flow), focus on actively showing love to your spouse. Treat your spouse as if you love them, and often the feelings will follow. Ask yourself, “How do I love (action) him/her?”. You can even ask your spouse directly how they best feel loved.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is also crucial. This involves understanding where you begin and end in the relationship and communicating those limits respectfully. By establishing boundaries, you can change the balance in the relationship and potentially regain respect if that has been an issue.

Identifying Your Relationship’s “North Star”

Reflect on the fundamental purpose or “North Star” of your relationship. False North Stars, like constant happiness, can lead to disillusionment when challenges arise. True North Stars, such as commitment, self-improvement, spiritual growth, and being a team, are more within your control and can provide a more stable foundation. Making commitment your North Star can shift your mentality toward working through problems rather than giving up.

Exploring Available Resources

The sources introduce “The Save The Marriage SYSTEM,” a comprehensive set of modules designed to guide you through the process of saving your marriage. This system aims to help you understand the stage of your crisis, avoid common mistakes, and implement effective strategies for change.

The Power of One

Remember, even if you feel like you are the only one trying, your efforts can create a significant shift. Take action, focus on the principles outlined in the sources, and don’t lose hope. As Dr. Baucom states, impossible as it may seem, techniques exist to transform relationships, even when only one person is trying. Your willingness to act could be the catalyst for the “new beginning” your marriage needs.