Why Men Cheat: Unpacking Infidelity and the Path to Rebuilding Trust

Why do men cheat, and is there a way to rebuild trust after it happens?

The question of why men cheat is a complex one, often met with simplistic and judgmental answers. However, according to Dr. Lee Baucom, a veteran of marriage therapy, infidelity is rarely the core issue in a troubled marriage. Instead, it is more accurately understood as a symptom of underlying problems, primarily disconnection. This perspective shifts the focus from solely blaming the individual who strayed to examining the dynamics within the relationship itself.

Dr. Baucom suggests that the fundamental human need and desire for connection drive us. When this vital connection wanes in a marriage, one or both partners may unknowingly seek it elsewhere, making the relationship vulnerable to infidelity. The sources highlight several key factors that contribute to this marital disconnection:

• **Failure to create a “WE“: A crucial shift in a successful marriage is moving from thinking as two individuals (“You and Me”) to a unified “WE“. This “WE” entails a sense of teamwork, making decisions for the benefit of the couple, and persevering through challenges together. When couples fail to make this transition, they remain disconnected. According to Dr. Baucom, the central trait of failed marriages is the failure to escape this “You/Me Trap”.
• Neglect of the relationship: The “Pause Button Marriage”: Marriage requires consistent care and nurturing. Many couples mistakenly believe they can put their relationship on hold while focusing on other aspects of life, leading to a gradual disconnection. Dr. Baucom notes that there is no “Pause Button” for a marriage; connection either grows or recedes. This neglect can result in partners growing apart, and infidelity can become a symptom of this disconnection.
• Shifting focus from giving to getting: Healthy relationships often begin with a focus on “How can I love you?” Over time, this can unfortunately shift to “How are you loving me?” and eventually “What am I getting out of this?”. This shift fosters a “scarcity mindset” that emphasizes lack and can fuel disconnection. Dr. Baucom suggests that shifting the question from “What am I getting?” to “What can I give?” can help reconnect a troubled marriage.
• Lack of boundaries: Boundaries are the “borders” that protect a relationship from outside forces. They act as a “skin” or “moat and walls” around the marriage. Many couples lack clear or agreed-upon boundaries, which can allow emotional energy to creep out of the relationship, making it vulnerable to infidelity. Dr. Baucom states that in his work with marriages on the edge of failure, boundaries are almost always absent or blurry.
• The natural ebb and flow of connection: Connection levels in every marriage naturally vary over time and circumstances. If couples do not consciously work to reconnect during periods of disconnection, the distance can grow.

So, while the act of cheating involves individual choices, understanding the underlying context of marital disconnection is crucial to grasping why it happens.

Is there a way to rebuild trust after it happens?

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is indeed possible, but it requires a focused effort on addressing the root causes and a significant commitment from both partners. Infidelity is described as an assault on the “WE,” damaging trust and confidence. The betrayed spouse may struggle with trusting their partner, the relationship, and their own self-worth.

Simply focusing on the affair itself without understanding and healing the underlying disconnection is unlikely to lead to lasting change. Instead, the focus needs to shift towards creating a stronger, more connected relationship. Here are some key elements emphasized in the sources for rebuilding trust:

• Address the root cause (disconnection): As highlighted earlier, understanding and working on the factors that led to the disconnection is paramount. This involves actively trying to create a “WE,” nurturing the relationship consistently, shifting the focus towards giving, establishing healthy boundaries, and consciously working to reconnect during times of distance.
• Potential for change: Dr. Baucom believes that relationships can change for the better, even those that seem destined to end. He views marriage as a system, where changes in one part can impact the whole.
• Importance of commitment: Making commitment the “North Star” of the relationship, with a mindset of being “in it for the long-haul,” can shift the focus toward working through problems rather than giving up.
• Acting lovingly: Even when the feeling of love is absent, consciously choosing to act lovingly towards a spouse can lead to loving feelings and rebuild connection. Dr. Baucom suggests that acting on love can lead to feeling in love.
• Understanding each other’s needs: Discovering how each partner best feels loved is crucial for rebuilding connection and trust. Open communication about these needs is essential. Dr. Baucom emphasizes the importance of asking your spouse how they wish to be loved.

Rebuilding trust is a process that requires both partners to understand the reasons behind the infidelity and actively work towards creating a more secure and connected “WE” with clear boundaries and a renewed commitment. Dr. Baucom’s book Save the Marriage offers methods and practical steps for this rebuilding process. Ultimately, rebuilding trust is a journey that necessitates addressing the foundational issues of disconnection and fostering a renewed sense of unity and commitment within the marriage.